I have been thinking a lot lately. Honestly I believe I’ve been thinking a lot my entire life. But anyroads … You know how my last post was that I kept realizing that it’s all just bullshit. That this life is just fuck. I mean, I’m not saying that the world is just a bad place, because it’s a wonderful place. But still it’s just nothing you know. But I felt like the realization of this world being just bullshit, was something that told me to die. Or just like another reason to give up on life. Another reason to not want to pull through this. I felt like the world being meaningless was a surefire reason to just get the hell out of life.
But then someone says something to me, something they had been told when they were feeling the same way I was feeling. “Yeah, life is meaningless, and isn’t that nice?” And I’m like, wtf? EXACTLY, it is meaningless and therefore we all can just go jump off a cliff you know. And she tells me that she felt the same way at first, and had been like, ‘what is your problem?’. And that is basically what I’m feeling towards her, that she obviously doesn’t understand since she can say something SO STUPID. But you know what I realize now? I’m the stupid one.
I’m so darn hung up on finding meaning in this shit that I spend my life, I spend my days, my hours, my minutes being miserable. And maybe there is a meaning and maybe there’s not. But no matter which one is right, we got this life. And we can do what we want to do with it. We can kill ourselves trying to figure out what it’s all about, or we can just fucking live.
I’m not saying I can chose the depression to disappear or that I can chose that my functionality in my life just goes from 20% to 110% just within the blink of an eye because I made a choice or had a thought. I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying that realizing that you will never really know what the point is, and that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your own life, can make something snap inside of you. Why are we dreaming about dying, is it because we are hoping to find more meaning and reason and purpose there? Maybe there’s no point in life, but there sure aren’t any point in death either as far as we know.
I don’t know. Seriously I don’t know. I don’t know where I’m gonna go. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know who I am! I don’t know any of the existential shit that you keep worrying, wondering and nagging yourself about. But does it matter. I am and I breathe and I live even though I don’t know.