I don’t want to hurt you, but I want to go. You want me to keep on going in the pattern that is usual, that is normal, because then you can keep on believing that there is progress; you can keep on believing that I haven’t fallen outside the system and outside society. You want me not to go because then you can be safe, then you can be in control. I don’t want you to judge, be unsafe or worrying, or even missing me, but I want to go. I can stay, keep on going, get old, reminisce about the past, but I want to go. I can stay while I wait for death, but I want to go. I want to go because I believe in life. I don’t want to live half way, because that’s not life. Life is full and whole. I believe in a life where you’re alive. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to spend time wondering and worrying, but I want to go. Live knowing that I am better now. I don’t want to be in a prison where I’m just waiting to die .. therefore I’m going. Don’t be afraid. I’m not alone, but I want to go. I want to find life.
I wrote this October 2011, which is nearly one and a half year ago. I still want to go. I never did. I was too stuck on living by the rules. The only way I would ever break them was to write something like this. But this was real, and it still is. The only difference is now maybe I’m brave enough to go do. I want to go, I want to find life, and be alive.