Freak out

It feels like the world is tumbling. The memories haunts me, and the breakdown is near. I can’t get the pictures out of my head. I was sitting eating dinner with my family and it pops up a clear visual. Suddenly and out of nowhere. It’s hard to breathe. And it feels like my heart is literally breaking. Breathing gets harder. And people don’t get why you cut. I let myself feel, and got caught up in emotion. And every second I feel more, and every second I’m more paranoid that someone will lie to me, or let me down, or make me hurt again. I had put up this armor, and where has it gone. It’s my fault for letting someone in.

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The world told me lies and I believed them

When I was a kid, I thought like a kid, I talked like a kid, and I reasoned like a kid. I believed the world, and the things you told me. You said 2+2 is 5 and my truth became 2+2 is 5. You said blue was yellow and green was blue, so I talked of a yellow sky and of a green sun. You told me up was down and down was up, left was right, and right was wrong. You said I shouldn’t cry, and fighting against it would make it worse, so I kept quiet and believed you when you said I deserved it. You told me east was north and south was west, and I ended up walking in the wrong direction. You told me dreams were lies and hope was fake. You told me I was nothing. You said tears were joy and smiles were evil, so I didn’t smile. You promised me you came with realities, that what you spoke was truth. But the only truth I know now is that a promise is a lie.

2+2 isn’t 5, it’s 4. Trees are green and the water is blue, it’s wrong that is wrong, not right. Nothing falls up, and everything is something. When my truth became a wrong, how do I know what to believe in anymore? How do I know who I can trust? When a promise is a lie, what is real?

I made a mistake in believing the lies that the world told me, but I’m making a mistake when I don’t believe in the truths it tells me now too. But I can’t know which is which. How do I know when you’re deceiving me, and when you’re pulling me out of the fire? How do I know when to jump, and when to curl up in a fetal position and wait for everything to pass? I crashed into the world, and into the pain. I crashed, crashed, crashed. I know the risk, and I’m afraid.

I am afraid.

I know how far down I can fall. I know how hard it is to walk on a tightrope. I know the mud and how it feels like quicksand. I know how it is when you’re goinggoingoing, but you get nowhere, like in a hamster wheel. I know no hope and I know darkness. And I know all this because I trusted. I trusted the world like a kid, because I was a kid. And the promises were lies. And truths were lies. My truth became a wrong, and I don’t know what or who to believe in anymore.

When I was a kid, I thought like a kid, I talked like a kid, and I reasoned like a kid. I believed the world and the things you told me. You said the earth was flat and everything revolved around it. You said that loud was quiet and hard was soft, so I talked of quiet thunder and soft pushes. You told me dangerous was safe, and pain was good. You said that some people deserve torment, so I tormented myself. You promised me you came with realities, that what you spoke was truth. And you told me I was worthless.

Overcoming your own suicide attempt

I’ve been searching online, and I see support groups and hotline information and how-to’s for   loved ones who are left behind after someone takes their own life. That’s good. I see support groups and endless articles about how to be around a love one who has survived their own suicide attempt. That is also good. But I don’t see any sites or anything that deals with the person who actually tried to take his own life and the way onwards from there. How that person is supposed to handle it and keep on going, or getting over the fact of what they did. And that, that is not good. 

It’s hard to mean something else than the majority

When I have a different opinion than someone else, it kind of hurts. Especially when there are ten people against me and no one with me. I don’t know if it is because what I mean is so wrong, or it is because so many people nowadays are afraid to stand out. We all want to be unique but not too unique. I guess some people also just don’t bother to look deep down inside themselves to figure out what their honest, genuine, real opinion is. It hurts to mean something else than what the majority thinks because it makes you feel different, and alone. It makes you feel like what you stand for is wrong or offensive maybe, like your opinion is strange and that you’re strange. It makes you feel like no one gets you. Because if they can’t get your opinion they can’t get you, and if they can’t get you, can they really be able to love you? It’s lonely to walk upstream. 

The things I mean, I believe in. I have come to the conclusions I have after being through the things I’ve been through. I’ve been through many things most of my friends have no recognition of, or understanding of, and that makes our perspectives on things different. And they make my opinion more different than theirs … because they are usually accompanied by several others agreement. As I said it’s lonely this way, it’s hard to walk upstream, but I can’t disregard or turn a blind eye to the things I’ve seen or experienced. I believe in my opinions, and even though it may be a lonely path, I’ll walk it, because it’s my reality. 

I know with myself that I want all the best for everyone. I want people to want their lives, and to live a content and happy life. I don’t necessarily think happiness is everything, but I wish for everyone to experience it. And by knowing myself this way, I also know that my opinions would never stray to far away from this, so how can what I mean really be offensive and wrong? 

Your intentions, your values and your actions define you. Your opinions is maybe just something you need to guide yourself. 

Hopeless

Picture a single candle in the middle of a big black room.
There is no more oxygen left, but it still keeps on burning.
The little flame is fragile, but oh so strong. The light it gives is nowhere near to reach out to the edges of the room, but it is something. It’s something to hold on to, something to believe in.
It is hope. And suddenly someone blew it out.

Hopeless.

See my hand reaching out for you

I walk through these streets of mud
I get why you stopped believing in God
I feel your pain in my body
and this is what I see

A brother, an equal, a friend
a heart full of sores, so hard to mend
He’s fighting a war we can’t understand
I’m mereley a visitor in his land
He’s just like you, and like me
But he has seen so many secrets we don’t see
He’s pushing a wagon filled with stone
It’s breaking my heart, he pushes it alone

You make me brave


I know I got nothing more to add
to all those old clichés
I never thought I would be
one to feel this way
All I’m really giving you
is my story and a tune
but if I could, I know I would
catch you the moon

When I first met you
I had tears sparkling in my eyes
“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine”
all I said were lies
You banged on my door and tried to break in,
I tried to break out
“Go away, go away, go away, go away”
I couldn’t hear my heart shout

You pushed harder when I pushed you away
You asked my secret and promised you’d stay
I wish you’d told me it would all be okay
’cause I was, I am afraid

Beside you I wanna breathe
with you I wanna keep standing on my feet
beside you I wanna live
I wanna show you it’s worth it
Now I think I wanna dance
Now I think my life is worth a chance
I’m still afraid
but you make me brave, yeah you make me brave

With you in my days
my face is covered up in smiles
I laugh, I laugh, I laugh, I laugh
I feel like I can go for miles
You tell me your stories
I tell you mine
Now I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear
It’s not a lie when I say I’m fine

You pushed harder when I pushed you away
You asked my secret and promised you’d stay
I wish you’d told me it would all be okay
’cause I was afraid, I am afraid

Beside you I wanna breathe
With you I wanna keep standing on my feet
Beside you I wanna live
I wanna show you it’s worth it
Now I think I wanna dance
Now I think my life is worth a chance
Yeah, I’m still afraid
but you make me brave, yeah you make me brave

© Marie Olivia