Cheesy poem #1

Years went by, and no one could see
This wrong right here, here inside of me
I became a poser, someone skilled to fake
When I wasn’t me ‘what could they possible take?’

I adapted smiles, and I redid their laugh
I was never whole, really, never even half
Sun stood up, and sun went away
I stopped dreaming of a brighter day

If someone had stood up for me back then
Maybe I would hope for sunshine again
But I fell and broke in too many places
The flame was gone, it got trapped in their mazes

Then you came by, and you could see
This wrong right here, here inside of me
You told me I was worth it, to give it all another try
But it was already to late, I’d already died

 

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What defines your happiness?

I didn’t get 200 happy birthday messages on my facebook today. I didn’t have a party with all my 30 closest friends. I didn’t even have a party at all. I didn’t get calls all day, and text messages ticking in every few minutes. I didn’t meet someone for lunch or get treated for a manicure. I didn’t get a present. But still, in between helplessly checking my facebook wall or phone, I managed to smile a little. I have so much more still than many, and even if I am too darn obsessed with who remembered me or not, I cherish and value that. 

I don’t wanna count my blessings after how many remembered me. I don’t wanna value my life after how many friends I got, or how many likes I got on a post on facebook. I don’t wanna be unhappy with a relatively good day, because it wasn’t “perfect” or I didn’t post a single photo on instagram that day. I don’t wanna compete, because life is not a competition. 

I spent an hour of my birthday in therapy, and I spent time crying. But that doesn’t mean that my birthday or my life is a loser life. It means that I spent this day, like every other day, moving forwards. It means that I spent it fighting for a better tomorrow.
I even took a nap today, and you know what: it was an excellent nap. 

What made this day worse than it could’ve been wasn’t that I’m depressed or filled with anxiety, or that I had a meltdown, or that I cried because of some stupid thing my mom said. It wasn’t even spending an hour in therapy discussing messed up stuff from the past. It was the fact that I against my better judgement, and against my thoughts just had to check my facebook to see who had congratulated me, and that I thought of how I didn’t throw a party or see a single friend all day. It was the fact that I felt like not documenting my fabulous chinese noodle dinner with a photo almost meant that it hadn’t even happened. 

What happened? How did we get here? When did not showing your relationship status on facebook start to mean that ‘you and your boyfriend can’t be serious’? When did we start to define ourselves and the value of our lives after how many likes we get on our updates? When did our happiness start being determined by all the surrounding that we honestly don’t give a shit about? 

It exhausts me that it has to be this way. I don’t want to follow this, but I don’t know how to not either. I try, and I try, but I still think about it. Maybe being depressed makes you think even more about this, or is it really our society that has gone this way? The ironic thing is that I’m gonna post this worrying over how many likes I’m gonna get. 

Sigh. 

When memories make you throw up

I felt ok. I was going to bed late, 2 am, exhausted. Feeling good because I assumed I would fall asleep easily, since I was so tired. Now it’s soon 4 am. And I know that this is nothing compared to all the things that are out there. But believe me it’s bad enough. I read some text messages from that period, and I got reminded. How can I overcome this when poking at the surface of it makes me nauseous. How can I overcome this when reading masked text messages I wrote to my friends not telling then anything makes me throw up. How can I overcome this? I’m so ashamed. Please don’t hate me. God, I’m being to honest again. 

You’re beautiful

I wanna tell you something. Something important. I wanna tell you that you’re beautiful. YOU are beautiful. A lot more beautiful than you think (unless you are self-loving narcissist, then maybe we’re on the same page here). You have something to contribute with. You are important. You, just the way you are, are enough. You are plenty. Believe in yourself. Dream big, and know that you deserve to reach your full potential. You are someone. Someone great.

When tomorrow never comes

Every night I go to bed
with the intention to sleep
I can’t sleep

I stay awake for hours
trying to block the memories, for hours
I can’t do that

I look at the time when it’s 2 am
and then I look at it again at 3 am
I don’t remember time passing by

But ever minute is a lifetime
and every breath is a sea

People and you

People, so unpredictable
and yet so predictable
People, so uncontrollable
and yet so controllable

I try to breathe you in,
make you a part of who I am
I want you to stay, in my arms forever
make you want me like I want you

You, so undefinable
and yet so definable
You, so lovable
so forever lovable

I want to breathe you out,
see you fly away, into the sky
and be the person you were always meant to be
without me