Come home

I don’t know where my home’s at right now, I don’t know where I’m supposed to end up. I’m in between. In between chapters. I’m in the prologue to my next adventure, and in the epilogue to my past. I don’t wanna be a product of my life up to now. I don’t want this to be a trilogy, or a series. I want these to be independent books. Because I don’t wanna be damaged, or broken. I wanna throw away what happened, and say that it never happened to me. Invent a new main character to my life. Yeah, someone who is the way I am, just without the memories. Because everything is a bad memory somehow.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and it has been for a long time, and I guess it will be for a long time. But I don’t wanna wait anymore. I don’t wanna question my future. I wanna live already. I don’t wanna go to therapy relieving it all. I don’t wanna get hit by the same belt over and over. I don’t wanna cry another tear, because I’ve used up all my share. I wanna hear something out there ask for me … shout for me. Say “come home”.

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Help me breathe.

I wanna write this amazing post. A great post about bullying, or mental health, or how impossible it seems getting better when you got Aspergers additionally. I wanna write a coming out post about my Aspergers (but instead I just ruined that right now, please pretend I never said anything). I wanna write how hard it is being looked at and judged by your peers because you’re not following the social rites of growing up. I wanna write a poem or some song lyrics that really connects to someone. I wanna set the light on how backwards it is that stigma is put on the people who already are in pain. I wanna write this amazing post.

But all I know is that I’m so endlessly … tired. I … cannot even finish the sentence I tried to start. I am tired of fighting a battle I don’t understand, with an opposite I can’t untangle.

I want it to go away.

Go away.