I took an overdose

I don’t know what to fucking say.
But all that stupid psychiatrist could say was that I obviously hadn’t tried everything, or that it had to be hard with someone with ‘my condition’ to cope … and ask me what I wanted them to do? If I knew, wouldn’t I have said?! Wouldn’t I have done it already. It hurts so much already, and then for someone who has spoken to me for 10 minutes to say that I haven’t tried hard enough, and I haven’t wanted it enough?
Yeah sure, I gave up sometimes, but every second of every hour of every day, I’ve fought. Even when I gave up I fought. I’ve wanted to lie down in my bed, and just sleep and rot, and die, but I’ve gotten out of bed. Sometimes I’ve almost wet myself, because I don’t give a shit … But I’ve never because I want to get better. I want my life.
… And I don’t want my life. Because I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of fighting a battle I don’t understand, and that I can’t seem to win.
As I lied there in the ICU I hated them for not healing me. Why couldn’t they just fix me. Fix me.
I’m lying here crying. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to keep breathing. I know: in … out … in … out. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. Take it all away. Just take it all away.
I know those people who say that it’s selfish of me being depressed or sad or suicidal, ‘look at others’, ‘don’t be so self-centered’ … wtf? I don’t choose to feel this way.
I don’t know what to fucking say.
I wanna win, I wanna get better. Fix me, I can’t take it anymore.

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5 thoughts on “I took an overdose

  1. What a completely ridiculous thing for the psychiatrist to say to somebody in your situation. If you knew where to go next, you wouldn’t be in the hole you’re in. Stupid.

    As someone who often goes through similar experiences to you and have taken overdoses and made a number of suicide attempts in the past, the only advice I can really give is to stick as close as you can to those who love you, no matter how much they test you, they do care about you. Try and help other people out to give yourself a feeling of self-worth, I often do this, with voluntary work or similar, and it always makes me feel better about myself. And when you are up to doing stuff, be selfish in your activities; try to do more of the things you love, or things you have always wanted to do, because these are the things that will surely make you happy 🙂

    People who say those things don’t have a clue, they’re in the same boat as those people who tell you to cheer up. Ignore them. It is an illness just like any other, to say things like that is just absurd.

    You have my best wishes. Take care.

    • I know when people tell me that there are so many people out there who’s worse off than me, or that has it the same way and is still coping … I know that hearing that never makes me feel any better. But hearing that someone understands and has gone through the same things, that does make me feel better. (To me the difference between those is clear, but I dunno.)
      Thank you Steven, to the moon and back for this comment. You inspire me! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

      • I used to get a lot of comments like that from my father. Even now, coming up to 22 years after diagnosis as bipolar, and like I said previuosly, having made attempts to take my own life, I think even now he still feels I milk it a little bit and that the overriding factor is that I just don’t want to do anything, or am crying out for attention. If only…

        I’m glad the comment did some good; I really can empathise with where you’re at right now. I really hope you begin to feel happier soon! Things will get better! 🙂 And you’re more than welcome to get in touch with me if you would like to chat about stuff some more. Take care!

      • But why would you milk it? I mean, the person who’s afflicted by it first-hand is probably the person who wants it not to be that way the most. How does it help us crying for attention. If we knew what to do we would do.

        The comment did do some good, and reading it again now, also did. I hope I’ll be feeling better soon too, and the same right back at yah. I’m inspired by the way you can be so positive towards others when your life feels like a mess as well. You’re cool!

      • Hey! How are you doing?

        I know, when I was 16/17, going through hell and didn’t know what I was suffering from it was very hurtful for my father to basically accuse me of making it all up just to get out of having a job. I guess some people just are unable to comprehend any kind of illness they can’t see. I don’t think dad’s able to cope with all that comes with it very well and that’s just how it comes out. He’s a typical bloke really!

        Cool! Me? Why thank you 🙂 It’s been a long time since anyone thought I was cool. Well, my outlook isn’t always positive but I’ve just learned to try and make the most of the high points of my bipolarity, expend the excess energy wisely, even learn to embrace them, and muddle through the low points with support from friends and family, and a boot up the backside from myself to try and twist it into something positive.

        Take care!

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