Ok. So this one is a little embarrassing I guess. But I’m gonna assume I’m not very special and that there are plenty of others that has pondered this same thing. The truth is I’ve thought about my own funeral. Not in a planning kinda way, where I would say “I want that song in my funeral!” or “Everybody’s should be happy in my funeral and celebrate my life!” or “I’m gonna be so famous the church gets overfilled at my funeral!”. But it a lame teen-ish kinda way.
I recall when I was in elementary school and I was bullied, I would image some of the kids going to far, and it would end up with me dying. And I would picture them at my funeral, finally realizing what they did to me, being filled with remorse and sadness. They wouldn’t get over it, and it wouldn’t be me, but them, who spent their lives haunted by the past.
Or in middle school, when I spent nights crying in my bedroom, I would think that no one would show up, and that once I was gone, everyone I knew would sigh with relief, and my family would only go out of duty.
And then lately, when I’ve been at the lowest, how I wish there was no funeral, because I didn’t want anyone to mourn me. Even though I was grown-up enough to realize they would. I just didn’t want anyone to hurt.
I’ve thought of how if I died, people who don’t make an effort to keep in touch with me in life, would show up. And that I think that’s unfair. ‘Once I’m dead you can make time for me, but when I’m alive you can’t? Wtf.’ I’ve wondered how many would be affected by my passing, and how it all would be.
Wow, I’m making it sound as if I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t. But I’m admitting I have. And I feel a little embarrassed by that. This isn’t anything you really talk about. But I do wonder if anyone else has ever thought of it. Please tell me, whether you find it humiliating or not.