Better

I’m so sad.

I’m a sad little fuck.

All those words that hit me vaporized into tears on my cheek. Drip, drip, drop.

Drip.

Drip.

Drop.

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10 thoughts on “Better

    • Thank you (I think that’s the right reply?), it makes me happy to be thought of.
      I’ve been thinking of you too. I hope you’ll hang in there, bottom has to be somewhere close by now.

  1. You can reply however you feel like replying (if you feel like it at all!).
    I don’t know how I feel about “bottom”. Sometimes I think bottom, as horrible as it is, is enlightenment.
    I just read your last post. If you ever need that contact you mentioned, I’m here 🙂

    • Well, that’s good! To be able to reply however you feel like replying. Though I’m trying to do it with some decency!

      I agree, the bottom is filled with loads of enlightenment, but unless you get away from the bottom I don’t think you can really do something about the enlightenment you get from there, if you get me? You won’t be able to apply it, I guess.

      Thank you, for saying that! I’m not too good at believing stuff like that though, sadly 😛

      • I totally get what you mean about the bottom. It’s a delicate situation – it can be full of little glimmers of understanding, and it can simultaneously keep you stuck there. The human mind is such an awful, amazing thing.

        I’m not good at believe stuff like that either, but I am good at being honest about it. I am totally, absolutely here.

        Rooting you on 🙂

      • + A new thought I got, maybe it’s really the enlightenment that is holding us back or making us ‘sad’ in a way? I do believe ‘ignorance is bliss’ … but whether blissful ignorance is better – I don’t know. I guess I think life is about more than ‘happiness’, but even if I see the value of enlightenment and knowledge and real relations (and more) I do think some more happiness would be favorable. Maybe the trick is to getting to the happiness without loosing the knowledge/enlightenment on the way there.
        … What was that!? Deep.

        Thank you! I’m rooting on you too, really! 🙂

  2. Haha, that was awesome!

    I definitely agree that ignorance is bliss, and that life is about more than happiness. And that the state of being happy is probably more enjoyable than the state of enlightenment.

    I guess it depends on who you are as a person, nature and nurture, and how you determine what it is that you want out of life. Personally, I feel like it is my duty, almost, to understand as much in life as I possibly can. For me, to stop learning is a waste of a human mind, and it is almost sinful to choose a place to stop gaining knowledge, to be satisfied with where you are and how much you know.

    Unfortunately, the more I know, the lower I get! So it’s definitely a trade, for sure, but I guess it’s how my brain works.

    If you find out how to get to the happiness without losing the knowledge, please let me know 🙂

    • I guess you can’t choose ignorance unless it was there to begin with. I mean blissful ignorance sounds delightful (!), but you cannot unlearn what you’ve been taught, or un-think thoughts that have passed. I don’t think you can pretend to not have had the epiphanies you’ve had. Lying to yourself won’t make your realizations less true. And living in denial is definitely not the same as ignorance.

      But to understand as much of life as possible you have to live it ’till the end. Like you cannot learn about anything if you’re dead. I guess we always learn something. Maybe it’s about accepting that we are not in control over how fast the knowledge gets to us. We only have to live, and we’ll live and learn, along the way. I don’t know.

      I guess medication is way of getting ‘happiness’ without losing the knowledge. You’re stuck in your head with all the same thoughts of pointlessness, just feeling ‘happy’ … I’ll let you know if I ever find a better way 😉

      • Medication scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel like I’m going to be like all the people, walking around obliviously unaware, eating and drinking and having sex and having babies and not thinking about anything. I refuse to take it.

        I agree with you, living in denial is not the same as ignorance. Once the ignorance is gone, you can never get it back. Denial, I guess, forms when the information presented to us is too much for us to bear.

        And you’re also right about the idea of the only way to know as much as you can is to keep living. I guess I’m just scared that the more I know, the sadder I’ll get. That’s what seems to happen.

        I just read your post about being in the hospital. I hope you’re doing okay. Getting there and getting through it can be hell.

    • I understand what you’re saying about the meds, but I don’t think it’s like that, hell, you can’t un-think the thoughts you’ve thought, and meds can’t make you ignorant? Can it? But I also have an aversion to them (though at this point I guess I would go for it :-/ ), but I don’t wanna take it, not because I’m afraid of becoming like everybody else, but because I feel like the ‘happiness’ I would feel from it, I would know it was fake if you get what I mean. And all the shit would still be wrong, it would just feel right. But right when it’s wrong is still wrong.

      I guess I’m a bit in denial at the moment. In a logical break-down: I’m happy, and content, but I have to die! Wtf?

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