Breathe in, breathe out

So … I’m out. Like, out from hospital.

I didn’t think I had missed home, and I didn’t. I didn’t miss the living room or the kitchen. But I did miss my rooms. I missed being able to sit in my couch and put my feet on the table. I know, I know it’s not very sanitary or whatever, but it goes! I missed my purple home-knitted blanket, I missed the candles and all of my books. So for a little while it felt good, slouching down on the couch, putting my feet on the table … and then suddenly I was filled with despair. The same feeling as before. I remembered how, and why it had become as bad as it did, and it felt as bad as it was again.

I’m gonna be honest: I’m scared! I’m scared that this is how it’s gonna feel forever. I’m scared that I’ll never get better. I’m scared that living is always gonna be so painful I can’t handle it. I’m scared that somehow I’ll forget how to breathe and then die. And the worst thing isn’t dying. The worst thing is living. I’m scared to exist in a world where there’s this strange unexplained pain every day. Where loneliness and emptiness, and hopelessness swallows you. I’m scared that the sun will go down, and the suicidal impulses will be to hard to handle. I’m scared to live.

I just don’t really know how to handle this. I wish it was easier. I wish I had a manual I could follow. Always do the right things and not need to be alone with the pain.

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3 hospitalizations and 53 stitches later

I didn’t mean to be dramatic.

I hope you’re out there rooting for me. I’m feeling like I really need that … someone cheering for me, and wishing for me to ‘win’ or whatever. I don’t want to though. But how can I want death, when death is nothing? I don’t know anything.

I was ready to go
packed my bags, and put on my shoes
I was ready to leave
I was running when I heard the news

You locked me up, and threw away the key
You can force me, but you can’t make me believe
You locked me up, it was cold and tough
I want to live, but I’ve had enough

I was ready to die
made a plan, and though it through
I was ready to disappear
though I knew it would be hurting you

You locked me up, and threw away the key
You can force me, but you can’t make me believe
You locked me up, it was cold and tough
I want to live, but I’ve had enough

I’ve had enough.