No more

I’ve been saying I’m fine, a lot lately. This last week’s been very high. I’ve been laughing, and joking and smiling from ear to ear. My face has enjoyed using the right muscles for once. The world around me’s been unreal. Like, not unreal as in amazing, but unreal as in unreal. I’ve been looking at all the people around me and not understood how they exist, or that they exist. I’m not sure whether they are or not. And I know that my therapist calls this derealization, and that it’s a symptom of mental unbalance, which I do believe I’m in, but it doesn’t make me feel as if anything is more real to know that … And even if I’m smiling, and saying over and over that I’m fine, and that nothing is wrong, I know that it is. Because the pain’s not gone. It’s there. Just hiding. But now … now it feels as if it’s all crashing back to me.

It felt good being fine for a while .. though, I wasn’t really fine. You’re not fine when you cut yourself and laugh hysterically when you see blood oozing from a hole in your skin. You’re not fine when you’re searching online for ways to obtain drugs, for your death. You’re not fine when you see the people who love you in pain and don’t feel a thing. You’re not fine when all you can think of is dying. But still, it felt better being ‘fine’ for a while. It was better than the pain owning me, humiliating me, using me. With all the smiles here, though they’re fake, the pain just … sits there. Quiet, in a corner of my heart.

Now it feels as if it’s all coming back to me. That the pain is taking control again, owning me again. And I can’t stand that. I can’t take that. I can’t take any more.

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7 thoughts on “No more

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much, but I’m right here with you. :/ I experience derealization a lot as it’s a symptom of borderline personality disorder. I hope you can pick yourself up from this ❤

  2. *hugs you* Oh yeah, I hear you friend. I just answered a comment of yours on a similar topic. Smiling through self harm and grinning through suicide plans is not really a cure all, but…we’re still here, both you and I. The pain is there, underlying, and no amount of smiles will fix that, but we’re still here. Trying again…taking on a new day.
    I hope this one is easier for you. xox

  3. I get this post, too. You really are not alone in this. There are a lot of us out here with very similar struggles. We can’t make the mental illnesses disappear, we have to learn how to live with them and it really sucks because I find there is no consistency. I can feel “happy” and think I’m getting better and then BOOM, down in the dark hole, again. Just hang on. There are a lot of people who care about you and I am one of them. You matter to me. I know riding this roller coaster sucks, but it’s a lot better when you’re not riding it alone. I’m always here if you ever want to talk. Keep up with your beautiful blog. I find blogging about it very helpful. I blog it all, the good the bad and the ugly. It’s who I am and I want to help as many other living souls as possible. If I inspire even one person, which I’ve been told many times I’ve already done that, then I’ve done what I set out to do. There are many dark posts on my blog, and I’ve gained nothing but a lot of support and a lot of new friends. Please hang on. I’m here for you. I hope today is a better day for you.
    Peace and hugs,
    Tammy

    • Thank you Tammy! It’s nice to ‘meet’ you 😉
      This comment is great! I’m really slow at getting back to you, but if you read my latest post, you’ll understand.
      I’m gonna try to hang on, heck, I’m trying every day 🙂

  4. Thank you and nice to meet you. We can hang together on this journey. You think you’re slow, I’m the slowest ever because some days I am just too damn sick to get on here, but I always respond to every single comment I get. I’ll go read your new post. I have to try so hard every day. It’s a lot of very hard work. Do you have a therapist? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, but they can be very helpful at keeping you in line. LOL and alive, for that matter. Take care, my friend.
    Peace and hugs,
    Tammy:)

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