Depression’s a bitch

I feel like I haven’t evolved the last year. Like I haven’t moved an inch, not even a millimeter. I look at my life and feel like I’ve been stuck. For years. But it’s not true. I have evolved.

YES, I’m not better than I was last year. I haven’t come further in my education. I haven’t got any more work practice. I haven’t got any new friends. I haven’t moved out of my parents house. I’m not anywhere near an intimate relationship, or anywhere near wanting one. I’m still depressed. I’m still struggling with anxiety. I haven’t figured out a way to want life, or to be in life without it hurting. Yes, yes, yes. I’m not better than I was last year, I’m still sick … And it hurts so much to admit that, to know that. But denying the truth won’t make me get any further, denying reality won’t make anything any better.

YES, I’m not better than I was last year. I’m not further, faster, stronger. So what have I done all this time. Hung around, chilling, letting my life pass me by, going to waste? No. Because I’m not better than I was last year, but I have evolved. 

I have ‘developed, changed, transformed’. I have evolved. 

I’m not really into etymology, but I looked it up and the word comes from ‘unroll, unfold’, and that’s what I have. And things might not be any better yet, and I’m not any closer to a feeling of purpose or meaning, but I’m honest … Or, more honest (pause) than I was.

I have been fighting, and holding on with all of me, with all I’ve got to give. I have made it through another year. And yes, I’m at the same place, with the same people, with the same pain. But it’s not the same. It’s 2014, not 2013, or 2009. And maybe that’s all, maybe that’s enough. Because I could beat up on myself for not being well yet, and keep telling myself I suck, and that I’m not good enough, but what good is that gonna do? None. So I’m trying to tell myself that I have evolved. But really, I don’t know.

Feeling like a ton of waste because who am I to complain, when I don’t live in a third world country and have food on the table and heat in the floor. I try. I fight. 

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16 thoughts on “Depression’s a bitch

    • Thanks for commenting, Bree (if that’s your name?)!
      But most of all thank you for saying ‘well done’, it means a lot to hear that someone thinks it is that, ‘well done’. Because it’s so easy when your accomplishments are visible, like an A on your exam, or a new job, or a baby … but most people think living another year is nothing more than a matter of course, but it isn’t for everyone. And I feel like I’ve fought so hard lately, but no one can see the fight that’s within, so you don’t hear ‘well done’ very often. So yeah, thanks!

  1. You are doing an awesome job. I too, suffer from depression and a bunch of other shit, so I do understand what you are saying here. Just don’t give up. Do the best you can and it will get better. It takes a long time, as Depression is a Bitch! I’ve been working at it for years, I’ve done all the things you think of people with major depressive disorder doing, and I’m still here and I’m still sick, but with a lot of really hard work, I’m evolving. I spent many years doing nothing about it because I just couldn’t see past it, that it could get any better, but when you are ready you will take the steps you need, the steps that will work for you and things will get better. I’ve been told I’ll never be able to get off the antidepressants because I have major depressive disorder and I’ve had it most of my life and will continue to have it. I still struggle and get into that dark place, but I keep fighting. I keep hanging on. Blogging about it helps me greatly. Just to know I’m not some kind of freak and to know there are a lot of others out there like me, is comforting, even though I hate for anyone else to have to live life this way. Having others to walk the journey with sure does help. I’m in extensive outpatient therapy, three days a week. That’s a lot and I have 3 therapists, I see each one, once a week. It takes a whole team to keep me alive. Just know you’re not alone. You’ve got another friend, right here, that gets it. Good luck, friend. I’ll be talking to you soon. Hang on.
    Peace and hugs,
    Tammy:)

    • It’s good to know that someone understand, though in a way I wish no one did. Because you understanding means you know what it feels like and I wish no one felt shitty and depressed, because depression is the worst there is. I read about this woman who’d beed depressed and later in life she had a spouse who had cancer and she lived with chronic pain, but she still said that the worst was the depression. And I so believe that, because I can’t imagine anything being worse than depression.

      Do you never think you can be 100% well, like no depression at all? I mean, one day it all has to get better?

      • I’m with you. Depression is the worst. It snuffs the life right out of you. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% well. I was told by a doctor that I used to see just for meds. He said I have major depressive disorder and it’s likely I’ll never be able to get off these drugs. I also have so many more things wrong with me like a long list of invisible chronic illnesses and pain, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. None of my diseases are ever going to go away. they will remain the same or continue to get worse. That right there is depressing in itself. Supposedly I can learn how to better cope and enjoy life. That’s why I continue to fight, plus I have 4 kids. I’m a hot mess. I hope you are feeling “better” today.
        Peace,
        Tammy:)

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