I’m so overwhelmed. Why aren’t there any mental acute pain-killers? I need one.

Everything is so painful, I can’t sleep! There is no one to talk to and no where to go, in the middle of the night, so I figured getting out of bed and getting it out could be a good idea, but help my soul, nothing takes the pain away!

I was 14 the first time I cut myself. It was random, but probably would have happened sooner or later, if not that night. I accidentally dropped a bottle of perfume, it broke into many pieces. I cleaned up the mess, and kept some of the sharpest ones. Later I took one of them and ripped my skin open. It was tiny, tiny, it barely bled. One could probably say that it was only a scratch. It just had to try, right? Perfectly normal, nothing to worry about. But truthfully, I guess I was sick, already then.

My thoughts on myself in the world, and the world in me was absurd. I believed it to be my fault when people were raped in Africa, and earthquakes happening half around the globe was also my fault. Whenever I made a mistake, if I ever accidentally made someone the teeny-est bit upset, I would be filled with shame. How could I, so worthless, make someone else who was valued feel bad? I felt like a disgrace to humanity, and was filled with pain, and thoughts of ending my own life, that that was what I deserved for being in the way, or bumping into someone.

I got the worst idea tonight. I was feeling upset already, and I felt as if I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and then I got this feeble thought. I should find the diaries from the period where I figured I would find my first suicide ‘hope’.  Find out when it was I first walked that way. How could I be so stupid? I already felt worn out and barely holding myself together, how could I get that foolish idea to read from a diary of that time when I was so hopeless, so lousy, so alone. How is it possible? And how is it possible to accept ones past and move on from it all. I feel so guilty for being upset that I was bullied when there are kids who are abused, because I think that the pain I suffered wasn’t bad enough. I have no right to be sad. I have no right fall apart. But I do. I do fall apart, and it hurts so much. It hurts so much! It’s too much …

I put the diaries away, but they’ve already torn the wound apart, it’s pouring. How could I be so stupid? I’m not strong enough to face my past. It hurts so much! Why did I do this to myself tonight? I don’t wanna remember. And I don’t know how to remember.

And now there are more pieces shattered again. Why, why, WHY!? I don’t want my past to have happened. Why can’t I wipe it all away. I’m sorry that I exist, I can’t take this anymore.


14 thoughts on “I’m so overwhelmed. Why aren’t there any mental acute pain-killers? I need one.

  1. You have every right to feel however you feel regardless of whether anyone else has had worse experiences or not. If something affects you or upsets you that’s okay, you are allowed to feel that way, it’s not a right to be earned. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are valid and important. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad. You’re valuable too. Look after yourself, you deserve it and you are worth it x

    • Thank you for this comment, I needed to hear that. I know that we all are entitled to the feelings we have just based on the grounds that we have them, but I just feel so guilty sometimes, but I guess that’s correlated to feeling worthless.

  2. You can’t compare yourself to others, and you shouldn’t. You are you, you have your own mind, your own soul, your own organs, your own body parts. Your body and your mind work their own unique way. Something may upset you, which wouldn’t upset someone else. Just like someone may be successful as an artist, but not as a stock broker. That shouldn’t bring shame. I know it does, and I’ve been there before, but you can’t let yourself feel guilty. It’s okay to feel these things, it’s okay to be upset. Try not to compare yourself to others, no one knows what you’re going through accept you x

  3. Um… yeah your worth something. You followed my blog and took the time to comment on one of my posts, which almost no one does. This makes me feel a little bit important. For being to make me even feel that slightest bit of joy, you officially mean the world to me, just so you know.
    Relapses are hard to get through, please be strong.

      • Ah, but what did I say before? When you have lost the hope that is required for believing, you have to just force the ideas on yourself and soon you’ll end up believing them without even realizing it. It worked for me, maybe it will work for you.

  4. I always think everything we feel and experience in our life is relative to us, and therefore valid. It doesn’t really matter what someone else is experiencing, whether it is worse or not (which is subjective); what matters is how you feel about it. There is always someone in a harsher, sadder situation – but they aren’t you. You have every right to feel like you are struggling; every right to feel the pain you do.

    • I guess you’re right. And though there’s always someone in a harsher, sadder situation, it doesn’t really mean that it’s experienced/felt worse. I’m not sure if you understood that, I think I did, but I was inside my head, so don’t know if I really got what I meant through. 😛
      I’m going to try to believe what you wrote here, because feeling guilty for feeling pain is really not doing me any favors 🙂

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