Self-harm on a whole new level!

I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit this, because I think it’s terrible, but here goes …

My self-harm has come to a new level. It’s not clean cuts, or a bunch of clean cuts. It’s not stitches, or a bunch of stitches. It’s nothing that will make me have to go to the doctor, where I’ll get those condescending looks, and where I’ll be met with overbearing nurses who don’t want to listen when I try to tell them what kind of thread they need to use on my skin. I won’t have to take the risk of meeting a doctor who’ll make me justify being sick, or who’ll treat me badly because surely I mustΒ like pain. This won’t leave traces on my skin which’ll haunt me forever, only I can know the harm it has done to me, unless I’m very unfortunate and it turns out the wrong way. This won’t be visible on me, and I will never spend time trying to hide it, because it’s hidden most of the time anyways. I’ll never be left disappointed with the world because of this. It’ll never give me experiences of inferiority (visiting the doctor for self-harm often does). But it hurts.

I’m inclined to say that it hurts worse than any cut ever has, but I’m not sure if I’m saying that because it’s true or because in this moment it’s pulsating with pain. It hurts when I do it, and during the night, to the point it wakes me up sometimes, and then for days after. It hurts so much it makes me walk funny, and sometimes it’s so bad I look totally ridiculous when walking. It hurts in a very demanding way, it’s insisting to be felt, to be thought of, to be endured. It makes me feel like an idiot! Because who would do this to themselves? Who?! And why would someone do this to themselves? And three days after when it still hurts I think to myself that I shouldn’t have done it, but then I remember that I should, I deserve it. There’s no escaping it, because it’s already done and only time will make it right again. But I deserve that. How can I think that? And it makes me feel like an idiot even more because rationally I know that there are risks with doing this, like an infection (which could make me have to visit the doctor), or it never growing back. But I guess all self-harm in one way is idiotic. I don’t wanna be an idiot though, but I don’t know how to not hurt myself. I’m obviously not well.

I’ve been pulling my nails out.

 

Edit: I’m starting to wonder if I’m more messed up than I thought.

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “Self-harm on a whole new level!

    • I don’t know if it will help either, but Teddy, thank YOU! Thank you for taking the time to try to say something that would maybe/maybe not make me feel better. I can’t muster to think that I don’t deserve it, but maybe hearing it this time, and then some more will slowly make me believe it. So yeah, really, thank you!

      • your welcome Marie,
        i can’t say that i completely relate to what your going through, but i have had my moments when i was younger mutilating and torturing myself..
        the pain in what i did offered a twisted sense of comfort and release for me…
        there isn’t anything i could say or offer, but i will tell you that if you want, i am here… just send me a message..

      • I’m sorry you had those moments too, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It definitely gives a TWISTED sense of comfort and release. But no matter how twisted it is, the comfort is just like a ray of sunshine in a dark, dark world, so how do you let go of it?
        How nice of you to say that, that you’re there … random strangers being nice, yay!

      • *ray of sunshine in a dark, dark world… very accurate.. theres something comforting about it…
        for me i saw things different, not right away though…
        the thing is i battled with self esteem, and what i was doing to myself seemed to match how i felt about me..
        i wanted to let go of it, for the most i walked myself through it.. it got darker before it got lighter though marie.. in letting go of it, certain memories i thought i buried started unfolding once i saw things clearly without the thrill of pain, or the comfort of drugs… i healed those memories…
        haha random is right, when i saw your post i thought maybe i could extend a hand through sending you a message πŸ™‚

  1. I think you should tell someone what you’re doing but then I know that if someone told me to do that, I probably wouldn’t listen. I don’t know. I wish I knew the right thing to say without being hypocritical. Other people’s self-harm is always worrying. What would you say if someone told you they were pulling their nails out?

    • Just you trying to find the right thing to say to me, means something, thank you! I want you to know that I appreciate it when you are stopping by here, and giving me your five cents.
      If someone else told me they were doing the same thing I do, I would tell them that they don’t deserve that. That I hope they would stop, and somehow find it in them to believe in themselves, and their own worth. But I don’t believe in that for myself. I’m hanging in here, but I don’t believe I can ever really live.
      Why do you think it would help to tell?

      • I know what you mean. I can care about others so easily but I don’t care about myself or I don’t have hope for myself. Because I can relate so much to what you said, I don’t want to be all preachy and try to tell you what to do or what not to do. I think you’re a lovely person who is full of so much worth. I wish I could offer more than five cents. Maybe five million dollars! πŸ™‚

      • It’s strange how much care we have for others. I mean, of course it’s totally normal to care about the people around, but sometimes I feel like I care more than most people. Maybe it’s because we don’t give any care to ourselves and then we have more left over for others? I dunno!
        Thank you for saying I’m a lovely person, it warms my heart!
        And I think that was supposed to be two cents (like the saying, I messed up a little, sometimes my English doesn’t make sense!), but five millions dollars would’ve been nice πŸ˜‰ Then I should’ve gone on a vacation, with a big bed, like, no edges, and … puppies!

  2. I used to self-harm, until one day I severed the tendon to my thumb and couldn’t use my hand for months. I was lucky I didn’t altogether lose the function of my thumb.
    Don’t make the same mistake I did; stop before something terrible happens.

    • I want to stop, I do … but then I don’t. Because I deserve it. I deserve my tendon being cut, and loosing the function in my thumb, because then I’ll loose one of the things I value the most doing (playing guitar). Thank you for encouraging me to stop. I’m trying. Always.

    • Thank you for saying that. I don’t know if I can believe you, but I am happy to know that someone thinks I don’t (deserve it).
      I’m trying to stop, to stop the self-harm altogether, but it’s so hard.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s