Why do I keep pushing, when no matter what I do, I end up feeling the pain?

I am proud of myself. Hallo! am proud of myself. When did that ever happen before?
And I am disappointed. But I know I shouldn’t be disappointed, because I did as well as I could, and I tried, and I did so much more than I had expected from myself, and not doing it 100% is allowed, and it’s still new to pay attention to myself and my needs so I understand that I didn’t manage to do it 100% perfect.

Today I went out and spent time with some friends. Not close friends, just one of them were. We were 6. I think it’s almost a year since the last time I was surrounded by so many people that wasn’t my family, or medical people, at once. I was nervous, I was filled with anxiety, I felt worthless, but I did it! I fucking did it, man! Me! I. And I know I left too late, that I spent too long there for my own good. That I should’ve cut it shorter, but it was so hard. Because I had an ok time, so maybe I could just stay a little longer. Because the others didn’t go home so early, so maybe I could just stay a little longer. Because what was I supposed to say when I left early, and the others stayed (?), so maybe I could just stay a little longer. Because it was nice being out of the house for once, and it was ok to meet my friends, and to listen to them talk and be excited about a life that didn’t involve pain, so maybe I could just stay a little longer. But I shouldn’t have, I should’ve known better, and left early. But I didn’t know better, and there is no point in beating myself up about that, because I went out. I went out of the house and met people, and that is BIG. That is something that is so hard to do. So so what if I didn’t leave when I should’ve, I did something great still, and you can’t expect things to be perfect, and you can’t expect yourself to know better all the time. I thought it would be ok to stay longer, but I was wrong, and I am allowed to be wrong without having to die for it.

So yeah … I think I’m proud. I don’t feel proud, but I think proud. What I feel though, is that I should die. I should die tonight. I should end it all. Life is too painful. Life is terrible. And this is how I know I stayed too long. The repercussions of wearing yourself down when you’re depressed, and when you get overstimulated by the world because of sensory problems and stuff  … fuck, it sucks. I don’t wanna wanna die. I don’t wanna feel shitty. I am happy (not like in a feeling kinda way, but a reasonable kinda way) that I went, and that I pushed myself to be social, but I’m just so sad that this is how my life is. Instead of going home from a nice evening with nice people and feeling like a hundred bucks going to bed and falling asleep with a smile on my mouth, I want to die. And that is not how it’s supposed to be. And I’m so sad, so disappointed, that this is how my life is. I don’t want this. I’m so tired. I’m so awfully fed up with being sick.

But! I am proud. (I reaaaaaally don’t feel proud, but I should be, because I pushed myself to do something that was extremely hard for me to do, and I went through with it, doesn’t that give me reason to be proud?) What do you say? Do you have any well-meaning words that could cheer a terribly worn down person up?


13 thoughts on “Why do I keep pushing, when no matter what I do, I end up feeling the pain?

  1. You should be feeling very proud. I know what you mean, though. When I break down and make myself go out and do something, there’s always a price to be paid. ALWAYS! I know before I go that I will feel much worse when I get back because that’s all it takes to make me worse, but lately I’ve been learning that it is better for me in the long run to just do it anyway and pay the price and when I feel better again, I’ll get up and do it again. The more I do this the better I feel. But, it does always make me more sick than before I went. I am very proud of you and you should be very proud of yourself. It’s so much better for us than to isolate. I did that to myself long enough and I’m just now getting to where I’m trying to at least get out and visit with friends once or twice a week. All I do is sit there and it wears me the fuck out, but it makes me happy. Keep up the good work. It may make us worse physically, but mentally and emotionally it’s much better for us. Good job, girl.:)

    • You are so right, Tammy! We just got to muscle through it sometimes, and know, hope, that there’s supposed to be a light at the other side of it all.
      Thank you for being proud of me, and telling me it’s ok to be proud of myself. Positive feelings towards myself is generally hard, I feel like I’m not worthy of anything good.
      Visiting with friends once or twice a week is great! Lately I haven’t been social at all, but I’ve been thinking of putting ‘hanging out with friends once a week’ as one of my goal throughout the week, same priority as going to my therapist and doing the work training. Because I know, just like you said, that even though it makes me worse, it ultimately makes me better!

      • I feel all the things you are saying here, too. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of anything or deserve anything I have in my life such as my wonderful husband and family. I feel like such a burden on everyone and I’m not always in the greatest moods, but they all still love me anyway and I don’t understand why they would. I go to therapy 3 times a week and I’m very faithful about it because I know if I even want to stand a chance of getting any better, that is my number one priority right now, then I’m slowly adding things like visiting with a friend or friends once or twice a week, even if it just means going to their house and lounging on their couch and chatting all day long and sometimes they come to my house and we hang out in my room. I have a recliner in here or they are more than welcome to climb into my bed right next to me and just talk all day. I’ve always been a very social/people person so this is just one of the things I enjoy most in life, hanging out with friends. It really makes me happy and enhances my mood greatly. You really should give it a try. I promise it will make you feel better, even though there will be that damn price to be paid, but the more you do it, the better it gets. Best of luck, girl. You can do it. Take care.
        Peace and hugs, my friend,

      • Well I understand how you feel like you’re not worthy of your husband and your family, but I’m gonna tell you something. You are worthy of it!
        Yeah, my therapy sessions is number one too. It’s so strange to think of my life compared to my friends, it’s SO different. But I try not to compare to much, then I just get sad because of all things I’m missing out on. Maybe one day in the future I will have what I need and want, and wish for. I wish I could spend more time with friends, like you do. The problem is, besides anxiety of course, heh, that most of my friends live in another town than me, and since I have been so sick the last years, I haven’t really made any new friends here.
        Can I ask how old you are Tammy?

      • Today I don’t feel worthy of anything. NOTHING! Having a very bad day. It would be so much easier if I could just go away. Away forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This life bullshit is just too fucking hard. I’m probably old enough to be your mother and here I am still acting like this. Why do some people have it so damn easy? I hate life! I hope you are having a better day than I am. I’m such a stupid fucking idiot!

  2. Good on you for making the effort to socialize. It’s really difficult when you’ve been isolated for a long time. Try not to beat yourself up over pushing past your comfortable limits. You’re right – you should be proud. Also there’s no shame in bailing early next time if it’s becoming overwhelming. You can simply apologize, say you’re tired, a bit ill, or flat out say you’re head’s a bit fucked and you need to go, but say you’ve had a good time and leave with a smile. Then you can be proud that you were congruent with your own feelings and looked after yourself. Win!

    • Thank you! A lot! It’s good to hear that I am allowed to be proud.
      I wish I was brave enough to just say it like that ‘my head’s a bit fucked’, haha! I don’t think that would stick that well with that crowd, but I’m gonna try to do that when it’s my closer friends I’m with. They know I’m sick after all and they want what’s best for me, so I think they would understand.
      It’ll be a happy day, the day I manage to go out, and look after my own feelings at the same time 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s