Last night I couldn’t get to sleep before 6 am. And you know what? That’s what I deserve. The self-loathing and shame, and guilty conscience for merely being alive is at an all-time high. In some way I don’t really hate myself, I think I have good values and I treat people well, but still … I just have this rock solid conviction that I’m worthless, and deserve pain, suffering and death.
This night I don’t think I should sleep at all. After all I got 5 hours of sleep last night/morning, and that should be enough for such a idiot like me.
I just want to tell everyone out there that is suffering: YOU DON’T DESERVE THE PAIN! You really don’t. And as someone commented on my post, it may be hypocritical to say that to others when one cannot believe in it oneself, but that is what depression does to you. It makes you believe you are the sole exception. The only human on the planet who’s worthless, who’s nothing. No one deserves the pain that comes from hopelessness, helplessness and overwhelming sorrow, but me. This is what depression makes us all believe. But I want to tell all of you who’s in pain right now: You don’t deserve it. It will get better.
But not for me.
XO – Marie