Sunday morning, winter’s here

Is 7.50pm. It still feels like morning though. It still feels like winter.

Is there any one point in my past where making a different choice would’ve changed the outcome of my world. If I had just chosen not to be a smartass (not really a smartass, but good at school), maybe I never would’ve been bullied. If I had chosen to ask my parents to get me some professional help when I was 13, maybe I wouldn’t have become so depressed. If I had thrown all the pieces of shattered glass into the trash, maybe I wouldn’t have become a “cutter”. If I had just brushed it off, held my head high, and kept going after the things I wanted, maybe I would’ve been there by now.

No.

But I can dream about that. Dream that I finished high school with the rest of my peers at 19, smiling, hoping, laughing about my future. So happy to have the summer of my life, and then heading off to uni. By now I would be 4 years into my masters. I would’ve had 2 different summer jobs, by now. 2 summers working as a cleaner at the hospital (boring!), and 2 summers as an assistant at the district long-term psychiatric ward. Uni would’ve been super stressful. I was going for head of the class as always, making sure I was noticed by the lecturers, maybe they would give me some good references. I would’ve been far on my way to becoming someone who would make a change in the world. I would soon be able to make a difference. And by volunteering once a week at the local church’s outreach program I would already be making a difference. My boyfriend wouldn’t have to cope with extreme mood swings and a girl that was always covered up because of the endless scars. I would be vibrant, alive, loved.

It’s strange to think about the life I could’ve had. Because the life I dreamt of, thought of, and planned … it’s so extremely far away from the life I have today. Maybe some of my dreams still can come true? Maybe I’ll have what I wrote of above, just that I’ll be 30 instead of 22. Maybe.

But most likely: No. Most likely my past, and my present, will haunt me for the rest of my life. Most likely this depression will be back regularly, stopping by, making sure my life never gets too cosy.

But you know what? Fuck it. YES, mots likely it will check up on me regularly, but if I survive this, I can have sunbeams in my life. And I will cherish them. If I live (something I don’t want! but IF I do) I will cherish the periods I’m not suffering. I will cherish making a difference, even if it’s not on a grand scale, but only on a really really small one.

I promise you, if you keep going, it will get better, and you will get moments that will make it worth it.

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7 thoughts on “Sunday morning, winter’s here

  1. Great post. You’re right, fuck it! I get really caught up in where my life could have gone if I wasn’t dealing with all of this but then there is the other side too. Somehow after years and years of this, I have a roof over my head, I have food and water and I have people who care. It could have easily gone another way.

    • Yeah, exactly! It’s so easy to compare it to our dreams from when we were younger, but we should compare it to our worst moments, and then we would realize how amazingly good we’ve done! Haha. And hey, hell yeah! You have a roof over your head, you have food and water and people who care about you. And you’re not even on benzos anymore? You’re SO right, it could easily have gone another way. Sometimes I think about becoming a drug addict, or a pill popper, it sounds so sweet to just disappear into a haze of high, but I guess that really would be being worse off than I am now, and I should remember that, and be thankful for that. That at least not yet I’m not there on the street looking for food in a dumpster and everything I’m thinking about is my next shot. Though everything I’m thinking of is hurting … I guess being addicted to self-harm, or self-destruction in the form of cutting/similar stuff is better than being addicted to heroin … I dunno?

      • I don’t know either. For me it is easier to hide than a heroin addiction would be, I guess.
        I recently read a book about a woman who was addicted to heroin for years but she managed to come off it and now she’s a writer and teaches writing too. She was a prostitute and she worked in a brothel to feed her habit. It’s pretty amazing that she turned her life around. I don’t really know what my point is, I just thought about that and thought I would share some positivity. 🙂

      • No, it wasn’t annoying at all! What I was thinking about was these people who are like always saying “look at the bright side” and they’re almost pooping puppies, and crying liquid gold you know?

  2. Pingback: Bravery, Pain, Dreams, Family, and Abuse: Mental Health Monday | A Way With Words

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