Next to no one

It’s 1am and I find myself questioning whether I’m lying in this bed because I want to or because the high from your appreciation and gentle touch somehow makes the pain disappear, and it’s not really wanting it, but desperately needing it. And does that mean I’m really the one who’s using you, and not the other way around. Does this make me weak, easy, a bad human being? Does this mean I’m compromising who I am and what I’m willing to do, because I’m too starved of feeling wanted, liked and valued? I think I want it because I want it, but how can I really know? And the worst of it all: No matter how many people love me, adore me, appreciate me, want me, need me … It will never be enough, because I can’t feel it.

 

Hugs.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Next to no one

  1. This train of thought sounds all too familiar.

    “And the worst of it all: No matter how many people love me, adore me, appreciate me, want me, need me … It will never be enough, because I can’t feel it.”

    This. My goodness, this. Until they’ve experienced it themselves, people will never grasp this, it seems.

    • I know right! But no matter how much I wish they would understand, I always wish more for them not to, exactly because of what you said there: Then they would’ve experienced it too, and no one should have to experience isolation and numbness beyond imagination.
      I just wish-wish-wish I could feel it! I wish the moment where it’ll be enough was now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s