The answer to my pain

What does this mean? Can I never feel anything but pain? Why do I always end up back here? With the pain.

Oh, a rainbow! – Pain. Oh, a puppy! – Pain. Oh, sweet lord, kissing feels good! – Pain.

This can’t be happening. How am I supposed to believe life can be good, when pain keeps corrupting everything? I can’t find purpose and hope and future in this life that feels so hopeless. And when all things good lead back to misery, I can’t even hope for that hope, somewhere in the future. When does happy become happy again? And nervous nervous?

But I know the answer though, it’s always here, in capital letters: DIE.

DIE ALREADY.

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3 thoughts on “The answer to my pain

  1. No, don’t die! Fighting pain with pain makes it grow and spread. I think pain means we still care about things. Even the nicest things like puppies and rainbows have pain in them. We might never see another rainbow and that puppy will die some day. If everything was just nice and lovely then it wouldn’t be real. It’s like how we can hate the ones we love the most.
    But- I get it.
    Most people probably don’t think this way. Most people are probably more able to appreciate nice things and not think so much about the painful stuff.
    I really hope things start to work the other way, ie: misery leading to something good for you, for myself and for anyone else who is suffering.
    I’m sorry if this sounds stupid. I am sleep-deprived and trying to avoid cleaning!

    • Maybe you’re right. Maybe it means we still care about things. Or at least sometimes that’s what it means. But I don’t think it’s just that you know. Somehow it seems like my body/mind is so used to strong emotions of pain and misery and suffering, and therefore it takes all other strong emotions and turn them into strong emotions of pain, misery and suffering, because for so long it hasn’t know other than that. Or sometimes it’s like I’m so surprised by the good feeling, I’m instantly thrown into the pain again, because no matter how painful pain is, at least I know it. Feeling good is new and scary, so my body just pushes me back to the known, whether the known hurts or not.

      • Oh my gosh I know exactly what you mean. Pain is familiar. Happiness scares me sometimes too. I don’t really know “being well” or “okay” anymore so it’s scary. Even if I were to wake up suddenly with no illnesses I don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t be able to just enter a normal life because I don’t know a normal life.

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