Because life can be good I’ll kill myself

I’ve been running away for a long time. I’ve been pretending to be someone else. I’ve covered my scars and pushed everything mine to the back of my mind. I’ve been trying to figure out if the life as someone else, someone well and healthy, would be worth living. I’ve been looking for a reason to want to keep trying, but though they surround me I can’t seem to find any. Because life is good, but somehow I just don’t want it anyway.

I see life, but it doesn’t reach me. It’s just there outside of me. Untouchable.

Death though … Death seems so sweet.

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14 thoughts on “Because life can be good I’ll kill myself

  1. I don’t want to pester you with comments but it seems I am doing that anyway. What you said about life being just outside of you is how I feel too. Everything else is moving and changing and I am just a stand in for a better version of myself.
    I’m sure there are lots of other people who feel this way too.
    I don’t know, maybe you can find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this…

    • No, I love every single one of your comments! It’s just that they are smart, and I need to read them a couple of times before I can respond! Haha, I’m strange. Your comments make me think that maybe-maybe there’s a point in me writing this blog. Please keep sharing your thoughts with me, even if I take a long time to reply. I’ll always get to them, I promise, it just takes me a few times.

      • Take you time, it often takes me a while to respond to comments too. I write stuff then delete it because it doesn’t sound right. I may have already done that a couple of times on this comment!
        There definitely is a point in your blog. I appreciate your honesty and what you share even if it is hard to read at times. I don’t mean that in a bad way. What I mean is that often you say things which I think or have thought and I will agree with you (when thinking of myself in that situation, not you!) but seeing these things come from someone else makes me step back and actually try to give advice.
        Heh, I don’t know if I can actually call it advice though!
        PEACE!

      • Haha, yeah, you can definitely call it advice! And still, even when it’s just your thoughts on something, it helps, even if there’s not much hope in it kinda. I always like hearing what you think about stuff. Just knowing we’re not alone in this shit, I think that somehow helps, though it’s tragic that so many suffer! I think all of us that are suffering have a lot more hope for the others suffering than our own suffering, and maybe we need to voice that hope more often, maybe that can somehow make us realize that we should have hope for ourselves as well. You know that saying “Love others as you love yourself”, it should be “Love yourself as you love others” (I’m not sure if that’s a saying in English!?).

        Thank you for saying there’s a point in my blog! I hope so.

      • I’m not sure if that is a saying in English either. I can think of a similar saying though, treat others as you would like to be treated. If we switched it to treat yourself as you would treat others, that would make more sense for me.

      • And to reply to your first comment: I guess we would be better off with thinking of how good our lives are compared to our worst moments, in stead of comparing it to our best moments, and to what we expected. But it’s so hard because we see the people we used to be friends with, and we see how they are progressing the way WE were supposed to, and it’s hard not to compare. In addition it feels like the lives we are living are just shells of a life. I mean, we go through the motions, we get better, right? We get a new therapist and we get off the meds (like how you got off the benzos, I mean that’s amazing progress right!), but still it just feels like … nothing, kinda. Like we’re just seeing it from afar and it’s not really our own life. Wow, this was just a ramble. I’m not even sure what I said here!

      • It really is hard to watch everyone move on in life. I imagine that people I haven’t seen in years are still the same but then I hear about what they’re doing and I feel so confused because I am still the same.
        The benzo thing doesn’t seem like any sort of achievement compared to what others are doing and it’s not something I can casually bring up in conversation when people are asking what I am up to these days. It’s the same for anything to do with being unwell. No one cares that I got out of bed today. I haven’t done anything to benefit the world. I am not out earning a living or anything like that.

      • Image yourself bringing it up! “So hey, I was like drugged on benzos, they’re like almost as strong as heroin, but I kicked the habit, so now I’m clean, yo!” Hah, I don’t think that would go over well! BUT, I think it’s a great achievement. Heck, anyone can be brain surgeons, am I right? Getting off benzos on the other hand! Woosh, that’s some serious business! (Really: you did a great job on that!)
        As for the bed thingy, I totally get you! Sometimes you mentally high-five yourself because you finally took a shower (sorry if that’s disgusting!), or you almost gloat because you did the dishes. But then you remember how it would look through someone else’s eyes, and you’r not pleased with yourself anymore. But we gotta stop doing that. Accept that others can’t see our pain, and see how hard it is for us to do some stuff. People can see how a man in a wheelchair struggles to get up the stairs in front of the local bank, and they’ll think about how hard it is for him to use the toilet and how hard it is for him to cook, and do all the things he has to do, but no one will see how hard it is for a woman with anxiety to go get groceries at the local store, they won’t think about how hard it is for her to sometimes just go outside, or how she’ll lie on the couch drenched in sweat, her pulse high and her motivation for life absent. At the same time we wouldn’t want to go around with a sticker to our heads where it said “depression” or “anxiety”, because we don’t want to be pitied. But I guess we want to be seen for who we are, and we want our struggles to be acknowledged. But maybe for now that acknowledgement has to come from ourselves. Allow ourselves to say “job well done, grrrl!”.
        I dunno! What’cha’thinkin’?

      • Sometimes when people ask me how I am (people who don’t really know me) I feel like saying, “Pretty shit, actually.”,just to see how they would react.
        Sorry, I can’t think of anything else to say. Job well done to me, ha!
        I hope you have a nice weekend!

      • Yeah, I sometimes feel like that too. Like I just wanna do some kind of social experiment. Because what harm does it do. But then we can’t do it. Because the world would be upside down. For instance when I’m semi-dissociated and don’t believe the world is real I have asked the people whom I think is machines if they’re sad that they aren’t real. This has been like doctors, or nurses or people that work with sick people. But I wonder what would happen if I asked the lady behind the counter at the store. “Are you sad that you don’t really exist?” or “Were you a fish when you were younger, when did you take the transformation-surgery? Did it hurt? Do you miss being a fish?” … Like what would happen if we did this to people who don’t know us at all.

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