It seems like yesterday that I was released from my first long-term stay at hospital. But the truth is that that is almost 2 years ago now. Where have all these days gone? It so often feels like I’m just waking up to a life I can’t remember having lived. Soon I guess I’ll be 30, and I won’t know where all the years went, or what I spent my time doing. I guess there’s no way to escape this feeling. What I can do though, is to keep trying, the way I already am. Keep trying to get better, so that one day it’ll all be worth it. So that one day I’ll spend my days actually living, and not just ‘getting better’.
Though, of course I’m already trying to live a little. Even if a lot is simply about getting better, I have absolutely gotten better at living at the same time. Because my life will for a long time be about getting better. There will be chapters in my book between high school and college, chapters of treatment, chapters my friends won’t have. But those chapters don’t need to be simply treatment, or simply ‘getting better’, they can be getting better like a full-time job, but with some free time as well, for hobbies, and friends, for living.
I’m not sure if this post makes sense at all. I does in my head though. I hope we’re kinda on the same page, then you’ll understand! What I’m trying to say is, even if your life’s not what you expected or what you want, and wish for, even if it’s steps you wish you didn’t need to take, it’s still the life you have to live, so why don’t accept that you have to push a little harder and live through shit that most people don’t understand, and then go from there. I mean: appreciate the social worker you meet with twice a week, even though you wish you didn’t have to meet her in the first place. I mean: laugh at your therapists jokes, even though you shouldn’t have had to have that therapist at all. I mean: enjoy the few moments of relief and peace before you remember where you’re at in time, place and life. Because a smile is a smile, and happiness is happiness even if it’s only for a second, and even if that happiness happens while you’re barely breathing, bleeding like hell, all alone on a bathroom floor. (I’m not saying that you’ll feel happy all alone bleeding like hell on a bathroom floor, most likely you will never feel any joy in that kinda situation, what I’m saying is that when you feel that joy or happiness or whatever good feeling it is, it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or what mess you’re in, just breathe it in, and appreciate it, if only just for a second.)
Fuck, I’m not making any sense. But I understood.