A suicidal mind, unfiltered

This is what I think: Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die. Die, die, die. Die. Die. Die. DIE. Die! Die, die! Die, die, die, die, die, DIE! For fucks sake, die! Die already, just die. Die, die, die! I wanna die. My stomach hurts, I wanna die. Die, die, die, DIE! DIE. Do you hear me? Die. Just die. Just die. Die! Just die, just die. Gah, just die. I’m so tired, I just need to die. I have to die. Stupid piece of shit, you deserve to die! Go die asshole. Die, okay? Die.

Important note: This is directed to no one but myself. All you people out there thinking you can’t take anymore, you can. You will get through this. Stay strong, hang in there. Live, just a little while longer now, just a little more. I believe in you and your ability to get through this and I believe in your happy ending somewhere on the other side.

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “A suicidal mind, unfiltered

  1. Sounds like my mind a lot of the time.
    But as you said, You will get through this. Stay strong, hang in there. Live, just a little while longer now, just a little more.

    • I wish it didn’t sound like your mind, or mine for that matter. It sucks. I feel kinda rude, you know? For instance when I’m with a friend and she’s like telling me she cares about me, and my mind goes like this “what is this chick trying to say, oh, I just wanna die, did she just tell me, DIE, that she cares about me, DIE, and that she’s here for me? Oh, that’s SO sweet, I just wanna die, I don’t really think she means it though, I bet she wants me to die, I wanna die, she would be better of if I died, but it’s SO nice that she says that, but I wanna die, she looks so nice today, I wanna die, I love the way she smiles! Die! Die! Die.” Because I really am grateful for a lot in my life, but when my thoughts are so often polluted with suicidal stuff, there’s no getting around it, ALL my thoughts are polluted with it. Even the happy, grateful, sweet stuff. And that feels rude! … Do you ever feel that way?
      (And thank you for believing in my future!)

      • I totally get what you are saying and yes I get that way. My mind is so distracted with my own thoughts telling me I need to die (and for me it is this feeling that I need to a lot of the time not even that I just want to) , that it cuts into a conversation that I am having with someone else and I don’t even understand the conversation. I’m like, wait what did you just say?

      • Yeah, that too, haha! (Wow, that’s morbid laughing at death thoughts, well, what are we to do really?) It’s like: I’m sorry, I didn’t really catch that, I was too busy thinking about how I should die already … you can’t say that! But I feel guilty for thinking of dying when I’m with a friend, because I’m scared if they knew (something they NEVER will though!), that they would feel it was rude, like me thinking about dying is a product of how I’m feeling when I’m with them, and that it’s saying something about whether I’m having a good time with them, or not. But the fact of the matter is that it’s completely cut off from how good I’m feeling with that person, it’s just there anyways. Do you ever feel guilty for thinking about dying? Like, I feel as if I should be grateful to the point of getting well. But sadly being thankful for good friends doesn’t really make me any better.

      • I do feel guilty about it. A lot. But I actually just did a post on my blog that said, “telling someone they shouldn’t be sad because someone has it worse than them is like telling someone they shouldn’t be happy because someone is happier than them.” I do feel guilty about wanting to die, and I realize it isn’t exactly normal. But I also understand that it’s part of my mental illness and I’m not choosing it. I realize people have it worse and I realize I have a lot to be grateful for. My brain just works the way it does though. I just have to keep fighting the thoughts. If I keep fighting them, then I try not to feel guilty about having them. And I have attempted suicide quite a few times. So I haven’t always fought them. But I’ve lived through it and I just have to focus on fighting the thoughts the best I can. We are going to have them, but we can’t feel guilty for the way our brain chemistry is. As long as we take care of ourselves we shouldnt feel guilty.

  2. that it so hard but just try to enjoy the little things of this life, we have just one, im bipolar and i have suicidal tendencies all the time but just try dear, be brave

    • Thank you! I’m always trying to enjoy the little things, that’s all we have.
      I’m sorry to hear that you have suicidal tendencies as all, but the same goes for you, try, and be brave! ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s