My mind is a disco ball, I need to get off this trip

When I went to bed tonight something strange happened. I turned off the ceiling light and on my way over to the bed I was filled with terror. Not anxiety or the feeling of being uncomfortable, but terror. I got scared. It occurred so suddenly. I felt like the seconds before I could get my bedside lamp on were lasting for forever. As I turned the lamp on I sighed heavy with relief. The fleeting moment of terror was gone, I had no answers to why it had come so suddenly anyways but it was gone and was soon forgotten. I was checking my phone and reading random stuff and I figured the light could just as well be off, after all I didn’t need it for reading on my phone. So I leaned over and switched the lamp off, and then before my head could reach my pillow I was filled with the same terror again. I lay breathing heavily for a while, not understanding what was wrong with me! My pulse rate went up, and I got dizzy, and for the life of me I couldn’t get why I was feeling so scared all of a sudden. It hit me then: I was scared of the dark!

Now I lie here with the door open, so bright kitchen lights can reach me. I’m somehow still a little shaken, but I’m feeling better by the second. I have this strange feeling of the world spinning and I absolutely cannot understand why I should be afraid of the dark!? I’m 22 years old, I’m a grown up and I haven’t been afraid of the dark since never, so why should I be afraid of it now!?

I simply can’t answer that question, I have no idea what’s going on with me. The strangest sensation of falling and the world spinning is taking ahold of my concentration. We don’t exist and somehow all of this really makes me want/need to cut. Woah! I’m gonna fall out of myself! Some stitches sure sounds sweet right now. Plus I don’t think I can handle dissociation right now. I’M SCARED. I’m afraid of the dark. Somebody help me.

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5 thoughts on “My mind is a disco ball, I need to get off this trip

  1. I get afraid of the dark too sometimes. It’s not really the dark that’s scary though. It’s the not being able to see that’s scary. It’s the feeling of not knowing what is in the dark, of not being in control because you can’t defend what you can’t see. The dark is scary when you’re life is filled with darkness because if what’s around you is as dark as what’s inside of you, then there’s no hope for you.
    We don’t fear the dark. We fear that darkness will swallow us whole or come and never leave again. We fear losing ourselves to the dark.

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