First of all: I am a wrecking ball (And I’ll cause havoc on my soul!)

Why do I care!? I haven’t allowed myself to care. So why do I find myself with this strange, really strange, emotion inside. This caring-thingy! Why is it here? I haven’t allowed it, or invited it into my life. I don’t care. I don’t wanna care. Or I do. Kinda. But then I don’t, you know? 

I explicitly told myself not to care about this human being, that I was better off alone. But then I go ahead and care. WHY!? Stop it, god damn it! Stop it, you worthless piece of shit! You don’t deserve anything! You’re WORTHLESS. Stop caring! STOP!

I haven’t allowed myself to care. 3, 2, 1: self-destruct.

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3 thoughts on “First of all: I am a wrecking ball (And I’ll cause havoc on my soul!)

  1. I think the following is relevant to you in general. It’s an excerpt from 1 Kings 18/Douay-Rheims Catholic Bible (@ drbo.org):

    [21] And Elias coming to all the people, said: How long do you halt between two sides? if the Lord be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people did not answer him a word. [22] And Elias said again to the people: I only remain a prophet of the Lord: but the prophets of Baal are four hundred and fifty men. [23] Let two bullocks be given us, and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces and lay it upon wood, but put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under it. [24] Call ye on the names of your gods, and I will call on the name of my Lord: and the God that shall answer by fire, let him be God. And all the people answering said: A very good proposal. [25] Then Elias said to the prophets of Baal: Choose you one bullock and dress it first, because you are many: and call on the names of your gods, but put no fire under. [26] And they took the bullock which he gave them, and dressed it: and they called on the name of Baal from morning even till noon, saying: O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered: and they leaped over the altar that they had made. [27] And when it was now noon, Elias jested at them, saying: Cry with a louder voice: for he is a God, and perhaps he is talking, or is in an inn, or on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep, and must be awaked. [28] So they cried with a loud voice, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till they were all covered with blood. [29] And after midday was past, and while they were prophesying, the time was come of offering sacrifice, and there was no voice heard, nor did any one answer, nor regard them as they prayed: [30] Elias said to all the people: Come ye unto me. And the people coming near unto him, he repaired the altar of the Lord, that was broken down: [31] And he took twelve stones according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Jacob, to whom the word of the Lord came, saying: Israel shall be thy name. [32] And he built with the stones an altar to the name of the Lord: and he made a trench for water, of the breadth of two furrows round about the altar. [33] And he laid the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid it upon the wood. [34] And he said: Fill four buckets with water, and pour it upon the burnt offering, and upon the wood. And again he said: Do the same the second time. And when they had done it the second time, he said: Do the same also the third time. And they did so the third time. [35] And the water run round about the altar, and the trench was filled with water. [36] And when it was now time to offer the holocaust, Elias the prophet came near and said: O Lord God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Israel, shew this day that thou art the God of Israel, and I thy servant, and that according to thy commandment I have done all these things. [37] Hear me, O Lord, hear me: that this people may learn, that thou art the Lord God, and that thou hast turned their heart again. [38] Then the fire of the Lord fell, and consumed the holocaust, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. [39] And when all the people saw this, they fell on their faces, and they said: The Lord he is God, the Lord he is God.

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