It’s 8am and I’m wondering if it’s okay to go to sleep or if I should suck it up and sleep when I’m dead instead

It’s 8am, and I find myself lying in bed wondering why there are people outside at this hour talking chippery and laughing at a swell new day. It’s 8am and I just cannot understand why my living room is lit up in the middle of the night! It’s 8am, and I slowly, but suddenly realize it’s 8am … It’s 8-a-m. Sigh.

Yesterday’s gone, and it’s never coming back,and somehow I feel like it’s too late now. That it’s too late to figure out the things I shoulda figured out yesterday. But of course it’s not too late. It’s never too late until you’re dead. I should get up, stand up, go on. But I need some sleep before I take on this new day that has already begun.

Wow. How many days have gone by where I’ve been too tired, hopeless and sick to even notice them pass me by? For how long do I have to miss out on my life?!

This is when I should get up, get out of bed, drink some morning tea and seize the fucking day! But no, not me (not us), we’re gonna try to get some sleep, a few hours, before I crash out of bed, and shock start my day by barely finding something clean to wear, and I’ll go on to not seizing the day, but seizing the wrong mask as I run out the door, ready for yet another reason why I should be gone already.

Why can’t we just skip some days and see what happens? Just not exist for a little while. Stop thinking, if only just for a minute.

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13 thoughts on “It’s 8am and I’m wondering if it’s okay to go to sleep or if I should suck it up and sleep when I’m dead instead

    • Thank you! It feels kinda good to hear it! I’m dreaming of people liking my writing, so that’s really the best compliment!
      And hell yeah: to stop thinking, if only just for a minute, that would definitely be the best right now, don’t you think?

  1. Hi! The only cure for sorrow I know of is love. Look into your heart for love & push the rest away. I assume from your writing that you don’t think about God much but he’s somewhere inside your heart. & maybe when you can’t bear struggling alone anymore the man who really loves you…aka your husband…will find you.

    • I’m defo into love. But the love of God, I’m not so sure. I used to believe, but then somehow I stopped. I guess I wasn’t good enough at listening, because I never got any answers.
      I mean, I haven’t born (bear-bore-born??) struggling alone for a long time already, and no husband has come along. Frankly, I don’t believe I need a husband to get well. My happiness isn’t dependent on someone loving me like a husband does. Friends are so much better.
      Thank you for commenting anyroads.

      • I don’t think you can possibly love your friends if you feel willing to deprive them of you via suicide! Regardless, a husband is a best friend. BTW the word is “borne.” I apologize if this post offends you. Really…I’ll shut up.

      • No, don’t shut up! Please enlighten me. So because I’m sick I can’t possibly love my friends, is that it? You sound like one of those who think suicide is a product of selfishness and hate for the world, amIright? And furthermore, if I can’t love my friends, what makes you think I can love a husband? and even more important, what makes you think I CAN love God? It sounds to you like I don’t have the ability to love. So what is this thing that has infected me? Do I want to die because I’m so in love with myself. Because all that matters is me-me-me? Please, for real, enlighten me! What is it you’re saying? I think this can help me.

      • I’m unsure if you’re being rhetorical. You know nothing about me! I was off & on suicidal for decades & I had two nervous breakdowns–the second of which I haven’t recovered from yet 20 years later. I know about R.W. Regarding your ability to love–i think the opposite of what you wrote. You seem to have a lot of love in your heart.

      • No, I’m definitely not being rhetorical, nor am I being sarcastic. I really, genuinely, truly, honestly am intrigued by the ability to judge someone because of their sickness, despite knowing that same sickness firsthand. (You judge me because I’m suicidal, even if you know what it’s like, because you’ve been suicidal yourself. This, I cannot fathom.)
        And hey, I never said I knew anything about you. I said that to me, you sound like, I never claimed to know you or anything about you.

        This doesn’t make sense you know. What you write in this comment is completely the opposite of what you wrote in your first comment. Here you say I seem to have a lot of love in my heart, how am I to make sense of this!? You first said that I can’t possibly love my friends. And if I can’t love my friends, the ones I hold dearest to me, then I can’t possibly love my family either. And if I neither can love my friends, nor my family, then I can’t love anyone. So I’m incapable of love, right? That’s what you’re saying, that I don’t have the ability to love?

      • Last comment? So you’re just gonna throw a lot of shit out there, and not even have the backbone to stick with your story? I really, truly wanna know though. How can you say that I can’t love people?
        And really? You really think people choose being suicidal? You think someone looks it up, and the chooses that those idiot thoughts come around 500 times a day? I mean, we definitely have an element of choice when it comes to committing suicide, but when it comes to the thoughts, do you really think we choose, or can choose either to have them or not? Please let me know how I can choose not to be depressed anymore, PLEASE let me know how to choose away my suicidal thoughts, please, please, please help me choose to be well, because you know what that’s all my life is about really: Getting better, for myself, and for those I love (… or I don’t really love them, of course, because obviously I can’t). So since there’s an element of choice in suicidality, I’d really like to know what it is, and how I choose to eliminate those thoughts and feelings. Oh sweet life, come on over.

      • By the way, I suggest you read this article. It’s about the newly deceased Robin Williams. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he died of suicide. This article says something about depression not being selfish, and suicide not really being a logical choice made of a well mind. “People should never be made to feel worse for suffering from something beyond their control.” Tell me what you think? Disagree? Please let me know your thoughts.
        http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2014/aug/12/robin-williams-suicide-and-depression-are-not-selfish

  2. I don’t think you’re selfish. What I’m saying is I wish you’d look in your heart to see the truth of what’s there…who & what you sincerely do or don’t love. As well as who loves you. Poor treatment by others can cause lots & lots of depression. Push away the self-hate that tells you it’s the deepest truth. It’s a trap. A hallucination.

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