I think I see the world for what it is. I think I got it all figured out. But somehow my only thought as I’m driving home from a great night at some friends, as I’m walking the last steps over to my bed after a hard, good day at work and some relaxing hours on my couch, or as I’m giving my mom a hug because it’s been so long since we saw each other, my only thought then is: I wanna die.
It’s never because I don’t appreciate them, or it. Because I do. I’m so grateful for my job. I’m so grateful for my couch. I’m so grateful for being able to drive a car, and for having one at my disposal. I’m grateful for the spring in Norway, and the long summer nights. But most of all I’m grateful for being loved, for having friends and family that I get to care about, and that cares about me. I appreciate them. And I’ve said this before: I would be grateful to the moon and back, and let my soul, mind and body be healed by appreciation, but no matter how much I give thanks, I won’t get well because of that. It’s just not how it works. Sadly.
So I think I see the world for what it is, what it can be for me, what my life could give me. I think I got it all figured out, and that I know what’s to come. I think I understand what the future holds. But somehow my only thought as I’m picking apples at the grocery store, as I’m slamming the door shut to my apartment, or as I smell in the scent of freshly made laundry, my only thought then is: I wanna die.
I take this as proof. I see the world for what it is, I know what the future holds, and I still want to die. Obviously that means I really should die, right? I am in control of the solution, because I can see clearly now. I take this decision based on facts. I know the world! I know what’s in store for me, I know there’s good out there, but I don’t want it, I choose death. Right? RIGHT!?
I think I see the world for what it is. It’s a dark, dark place that looks a lot like my mind.