Where’s my happy ending. I can’t wait any longer.

I wanna jump. Every day I wanna jump. I lie here in my bed and I feel isolated, apart. Apart from everyone and everything that I know. I finally lie here at end of a day where my only consolation has been the fact that I get to lie down at the end of it. But now as I’m lying here, there is no consolation, there is no relief. And there is nowhere to turn. I am so tired. I am so sad. I feel so alone in the world. Apart. Isolated. Will I ever want to live? I lie here and I crave an escape. I need to be someone else for a while. I need to take a step away from my life. I’m praying to all the gods I don’t believe in. I would do anything to make it stop. And truth be told I am doing everything I can. I don’t think it’s just wanting not to suffer anymore or not wanting to live. Tonight I’m beyond.

I want to die.

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56 thoughts on “Where’s my happy ending. I can’t wait any longer.

  1. I have laid in bed many times and just never wanted to get up. Sometimes it seems like there is no hope. I do believe in God and still I feel so lonely sometimes. I do know that you CAN do this and that happy and healthy are out there for you. Maybe sitting with the pain and sadness for a time is ok. Maybe throwing a pity party is ok. Maybe if people allow you to be you there will be hope in that. Keep going. Keep moving. Keep seeking. One day you may just look back to find that this time is the last time for overwhelming sadness and the first step to true healing. I pray you are blessed with peace and a feeling of hope like you have never experienced before.

    • Omg, I didn’t mean to throw a pity party. Ugh. I never mean to throw pity parties, and it sucks that I come across that way. Sometimes it’s just too hard to keep the mask on and pretend you’re strong and moving forwards. I mean, I am moving forwards, but it feels like shit. But I don’t want that to be throwing a pity party though.
      Thank you so much for this nice comment. Your well wishes mean a lot to me. And you believing in a healthy future for me, thank you! I hope neither of us need to suffer any more (even if that is impossible). Hugs!

      • Don’t worry!! It didn’t sound like you were throwing a pity party. And I personally believe there is value in them anyway. Sometimes you have to be sad and mad for a while before you can really start to get it together. I have been there and still go there from time to time. I’m hoping that going forward means one day I will look back and really SEE te difference and know that I have gotten somewhere. Be blessed!! Hope today is an amazing day for you!!

      • Well, it’s not amazing … but it’s better, and better is OK. I see what you’re saying. We have to accept where we’re at to be able to get somewhere else. Yeah, I hope so too, that one day I’ll look back at this period of my life and know that it’s not anymore, it’s apart from the life I’m leading. I’m not sick anymore. One day. One happy day. We can hope. Have a great weekend! 🙂

  2. I don’t really know you, but if you ever want to talk I’m here for you. I know it doesn’t seem like life is worth it, but it gets better. I’ve been through the dark too and I tried to take my life a couple times, but now I’m happy I survived. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

    • I don’t really know you either, but thank you so much for saying you’re here for me! Maybe we can get to know each other? I’m happy to hear that you now feel happy you survived. I hear you saying that’s possible for me too, but it’s just SO hard to believe that. Thank you for your comment. Hugs!

      • Yeah, it’d be great to get to know each other 🙂 And I understand that it’s hard to believe. It was hard for me to believe too. People always say there’s hope or there’s reasons to live, but they don’t always tell you why or what those reasons are. That’s partly why I’m so open about my past suicidal experiences because I didn’t see any way out, but it happened. One day I just noticed things had gotten a little better and then it was easier and then eventually I got to the point where suicidal thoughts weren’t normal anymore. I still have them sometimes, but they aren’t part of my everyday life. So I just hope I can help others get to that point too.
        Hugs 🙂

      • It’s great to hear that you’re doing better. Makes it somewhat easier to believe that that can happen for me too. I know that my life has gotten better, but I’m still thinking about dying, ALOT, and that doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like I’ve put down so much work, and when I’m still feeling shit, it’s just demotivating.

      • The thing about wanting to die is that it’s an easy thought to turn to. After you’ve thought about it once, it keeps coming back because it’s a potential option. Only when it stops being a potential option will you stop thinking about it very often.
        I contemplated suicide for about 15 years off and on. And during about 3 of those years it was nearly a daily struggle. But now I only think about it as a sort of far away thought that doesn’t even seem to make sense sometimes.
        It doesn’t go away easily and it can come back, but it does get better. That’s really the best anyone can say is that it does get better because I don’t think most people have an explanation of how it gets better.

      • Hm. That’s so true. No one has an explanation of how it gets better, all they ever say is that it does. And I’m thankful that you’re telling me that it does. I’m trying to believe you. I hope one day I’ll get there, not thinking about it as a solution anymore. I’ve had this really stupid idea, that if I got a kid, I couldn’t think about dying anymore, because then it wouldn’t be an option. But that’s just stupid thinking, I can’t get a kid. But maybe a dog though. I’ve been thinking about a dog.
        How can we make it stop being a potential option though? And how doesn’t it make sense anymore, what are the arguments?

      • Well, I can only answer those questions from personal experience. So the answers may or may not apply.
        For me, I desperately needed to know that I was of value as a person. For so long I thought I was only of value for what I could do or what I could contribute. If I could not help someone else because I was sick or depressed, etc. then I saw myself as worthless. Once that hole was filled and I saw my value simply in my being instead of in my deeds, my whole view of life changed.
        So now, suicide doesn’t make sense anymore because even at my worst times I see myself as something of incredible value and I could only ever destroy something that was worthless.

      • I felt that way too, like I was only valuable because of what I did, my worth as a human became dependent on what I accomplished … Now I just know that I’m worthless no matter how much I accomplish.
        But how did you learn that your value was in you simply being? I mean, that’s my thoughts on every life, we’re all worth something based on us being, besides me, of course.

      • Well, I was lucky enough to have someone see the value in me. I met my best friend online in a support group so she knew me at my worst, most worthless state. Yet, she loved me anyway. It didn’t make sense to me, but she saw me as someone of immense value when I felt totally worthless.
        And eventually after being friends long enough I stopped associating my deeds with my worth and my hole was just kind of filled without me even realizing it.

      • Wow. That’s such an inspiring story. Friends are … amazing. I wish I could feel the love from those around me. Did you ever have a problem with that? That even if your friend saw you as someone of immense value, that you didn’t trust her love for you to be real?

      • Definitely. I had a hard time believing that anyone loved me. I guess mostly because there’s times when you don’t feel like people love you even though they do. Like when my sister would yell at me for something, I would assume that was because she only loved me when I was doing what she wanted.
        It took me a long time to realize that people can still yell at you and get upset with you and have fights with you and still love you. So for a long time I didn’t believe anyone loved me for just me.
        I think maybe the reason why I finally realized that people really did love me is because I got so mad at this friend. I would yell at her for things because I loved her and wanted what was best for her. And I guess that made me realize that other people did the same with me. So then it was easier to believe people loved me once I realized how much I could love someone and still get upset with them.

      • Wow. I’m so happy that you can feel that! And I have to admit I really long for believing that others care about me. It’s like darkness is better when you got someone around, and I do, and I appreciate that so much, but somehow I’m not able to FEEL that. I sometimes think something is broken inside of me, that I’ll never be able to believe in being loved. Was that how you felt? Did you ever think that you could never feel that others actually cared about you?

      • Yeah, I felt broken inside too. And it was more than just thinking I would never feel cared about, it was actually believing that it was impossible for someone to truly care about me. I believed that other people could be loved, but not me because I was stupid or horrible or weak or emotional or annoying or all of the above. But the thing is that we all are all of those things at some point. The beauty of life though is in our beautiful brokenness. Because we are all a little broken and so we can love each other’s brokenness.

      • Om my god. That’s like hearing my own mind. That’s exactly what I’m thinking. But I don’t think that I could be loved despite my brokenness. Yeah, I see that for others, but not myself. This is probably how you felt before. I just cannot believe that I’ll ever feel like I deserve the care and support around me. “Because we are all a little broken” No matter how tragic that sounds in one way, it was also very … soothing and beautiful.

      • That’s the thing though- none of us can really deserve the love we need. If we did deserve it, we probably wouldn’t need it as much. Eventually you just have to allow people to love you despite the fact that you don’t deserve it. Because as crazy as it seems people still want to love you even though you’ll never deserve it.
        And at least for me, I felt like they deserved to be able to love me if that’s what they wanted.

      • What do you mean, you don’t think we deserve to be loved? But do you then think the opposite, that we deserve to be in pain?

        The quote “We accept the love we think we deserve” comes to mind.

      • No, it’s not that we deserve to be in pain. But that we need more love when we don’t deserve it. We can’t deserve the love we need because when we really need love is probably when we’re the least easy to be loved. When we don’t need love as much because we’re happy or life is going well, then we may seem to deserve it more because we’re less needy.
        Hopefully this is making sense… basically I’m just saying that we’re least likely to deserve love when love is what we desperately need.

  3. Don’t die. Search around you. I was a suicidal teen. Then i searched psychopathy and narcissism and i found out that my family was the reason i wanted to die. I am no contact with them now and i don’t want to die. I am off antidepressants. Don’t give up!

      • I meant that there is a high possibility you have narcissistic or psychopathic individuals around you who abuse you!

      • For a short-short moment there I thought you were gonna write “I meant that there is a high possibility you have narcissistic or psychopathic traits in your personality” and I was like: Noooo, fuck, my life is over! Because I don’t wanna be that. But yeah, I don’t think anyone is abusing me now. Just this shitty thing inside my head telling me a crapload of BS all day long, but I’m having a hard time getting rid of myself. Thankfully the bullies don’t frequent my circles anymore.

      • I don’t think someone’s life ends because they have psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies. I can’t be sure about their environment though.

  4. So sorry you are feeling this low. I know that feeling all too well. Just please know that you matter and a lot of people DO care about you. I’m always here if you need someone that truly understands to talk to. Hang on, it can only get better. DO NOT give up! I’ve been to that dark place many times, myself. I wish you the best. Take care and remember, YOU DO MATTER!

    • Thank you Tammy! I hear your words, and I know you believe them since you’re saying them, but it’s so hard to believe in them for yourself, you know. It’s tough trusting that I matter. I don’t feel like I matter, you know. There this thing at the back of my mind constantly questioning the positive things people tell me: Well, they just don’t know that they’re better off, blahblah.
      It’s strange. I actually think it’s strange, how many times we can end up in this dark a place, because seriously: there should be a limit! Well, I guess pain knows no boundaries.

    • Your comment didn’t come up right away, because the first comment from a new commenter, needs to be approved, that’s to sort away spam. But it’s there now! (I deleted two of them since there were 3 that said almost exactly the same!)

  5. Trust and try to believe me when I say I care and that you matter. I understand what you are saying, though. I know, because I’ve been to that very dark place many times. I pray I never go there again, but it’s probably going to be impossible, so I guess I should say, we’ll see how long it is this time, before I end up in that very low, dark place, again. I absolutely agree that there should be a damn limit on how many times a person can end up in that awful place. You are so right, pain knows NO boundaries. Keep hanging on. YOU MATTER, more than you know. Remember, it’s only temporary and this too shall pass. I’m here for you. I get it. I understand it.

    • I’m gonna try to trust you! 🙂
      I hate that you understand! Because I wish no one did. But … since you already do, I’m gonna try to find solace in it, instead of frustration that so many has to suffer. Sometimes I think the worst part about this pain, is how I don’t feel like I should feel this pain. That I compare it to all the other suffering in the world, and no matter how much I know I don’t choose this, I still feel like I should’ve NOT been feeling this way, or should just suck it up. The part where you can’t even acknowledge your pain to yourself, because some part of you tells you that it’s not a good enough reason. Your pain isn’t bad enough. But I know it is, because it’s so bad it’s unimaginable and impossible to live with.

      • Hi there Marieolivia, I’m with you. I wish no one had to understand this. It’s maddening, but it’s much better to walk the journey with someone that understands, and I do. I get frustrated all the time. Life just really isn’t fair. We can’t help how we feel, but we have every right to feel the way we do, absolutely! I know how hard it is because I don’t look sick, but let me tell you, I am very, very sick. Sometimes I feel that other’s don’t believe that I’m in as much pain as I’m in or how nauseated I feel, and on and on. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: Hey people they’re called invisible chronic illnesses for a reason, because you can’t see them, DUH!!!!!!! Now, i go to a lot of therapy and that’s what keeps me here on this earth. I’m learning how to deal with my emotions a little better and hopefully, one day it will be a lot more. I still have bad days, like today. I’m so damn sick with this damn feeding tube hanging out of my abdomen. It’s supposed to make me feel better, but I’ve been so much sicker since I got this stupid thing. I’m very worried that this is going to drive me to that dark place, again. Down in that deep, dark hole. The one I’ve been to so many times, I lost track!
        You also need to not worry about what other’s think, whether they believe you or not because you know it’s real and that it’s very painful to live life this way. I got tired of being stuck in that dark place and taking myself to the hospital to voluntarily have myself admitted. I think the next person that tells me how lucky I am that I don’t have to go to work, is going to get punched right smack in the face, with my fist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People take their jobs for granted. You don’t know how much I wish I could go to work. I don’t really enjoy being in isolation most of the time, but that’s my reality and I’m working very hard on this shit and it’s not easy. I’m here and we can walk this shitty journey together and hopefully it will get better for both of us, even if just a little. I’ll take whatever I can get. Can’t get much worse than this Great big cyber HUG! I hope you found some sort of pleasure today, because I did not. Tomorrow is a new day and this day will be forever gone, to never be worried about, again. Try to stay in the moment and not worry about what happened yesterday, or what might or might not happen tomorrow. I, also, have anxiety, so it’s a hard thing to do, but you CAN do it. Don’t ever forget, YOU MATTER and I CARE!!!!!!!!!!!:)
        And remember to just breathe…………………………. you CAN do this! If I can you can! 🙂 Take care, my friend.

      • Wow. This is a great comment, I smiled several times! My face felt funny!
        Hell yeah, sometimes I want to punch people when they come with their BS. But mostly it’s not because of their BS, or because of them, it’s because I think about how good it would feel to let some of this anger out.
        But look at me, I don’t have some chronic illness, frankly I got a good physical health, so that makes me feel again what I already wrote of, that I don’t have enough of a reason to be feeling depressed. I should just be grateful for what I have, that I have a body that works. I feel so stupid.
        But the truth is that I am so grateful for that, and I am so grateful for my therapist, and for my doctor, and for meds, and for my “work”, but gratefulness don’t take you to happiness.
        But yeah, I know the feeling of someone saying stupid shit about “oh it must be so chill to just hang around all day and then get money from the state, blahblah”, I just wish they could feel what I feel and then they’d know that it’s not chill to hang around all day being depressed. And to think that they say the same about chronic illnesses (physical?) it’s just shit. Some people should think more before they speak.

        And hey Tammy: You matter, and I care too! And yeah, I’ll try to remember, breathe in … breathe out.

      • Hey buddy,
        Glad I could make you smile. It doesn’t matter if you have physical or mental illness, shit I’ve got both!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m depressed, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, BPD, then all the physical shit. Doesn’t matter. Depression really sucks, I know this to be true because I suffer from it, as well, and I have for a very long, long time, even before I became so physically ill. You’re right, gratefulness doesn’t take you to happiness because when we’re depressed, it’s kinda hard to be happy about anything. Depression can also be like a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs. No other way to put it, it just sucks, big time. My doctor told me that I have major depressive disorder and that I would need to be on medication for the rest of my life, if that’s what you wanna call this shit, life. HA HA what a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am glad to know that you aren’t physically ill and I hope it stays that way. Mental illness is bad enough
        I’m not really in a very good place right now. Insomnia is rearing its ugly head, again. I was awake for over 30 hours straight and didn’t wake up til 3:00 p.m. today. Yeah, loads of fun, stupid people that think it’s so chill to just hang out in isolation all the time, by yourself, mind you. Great fun! Mother fuckers, I’ll punch your lights out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL I’m on a roll tonight. LOL 🙂 I’m mentally ill, so I must be nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL 🙂 I wish everyone else could feel the way we do, so they could see just how much fun it is. Just because we don’t look sick, doesn’t mean a damn thing.
        Thank you for caring about me. Let’s just breathe……………………..we’ll kick this shit’s ass, together. I’m here and don’t you ever forget, I’m walking right along side you on this shitty journey. Maybe since we’re walking together, now, maybe, just maybe, one day it will get better. Regardless of what happens, I’m here for you, ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!! To hell with everyone else, YOU’RE ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MATTER AND I CARE…………………………..:)

      • But that’s just it Tammy! You got both, right, and that gives you the right to be depressed, but I don’t got both, so I have it so much easier than you, and therefore I shouldn’t be depressed. I’m not allowed to, I haven’t “earned” it … ?
        I hate this feeling, the feeling where you gotta justify, even to yourself, that it’s OK to be sick, it’s OK to be depressed. And no matter how much I seem to come back to this, I still don’t feel like it’s OK that I’m depressed.
        If you tell someone you’re sick, they ask “How?” wondering what’s the matter with you. If you tell them you got cancer, or diabetes, or the flue, they’ll say “Oh no, I’m sorry, hope you get better soon!” or “That’s terrible, you tell us if there’s anything we can help you with!”. But if you tell them you’re depressed, they ask “WHY?”. Oh well, why is the sky blue, why is the grass green? I don’t know why I’m this messed up!

        (You have to know that when I don’t respond for a while it doesn’t mean anything, that I’m ignoring you or anything. I want you to remember that, and never think such thoughts. I don’t know if you did, but just … don’t! I just get so tired, and want to be in a right mind so I’ll give it the response it deserves you know!)

      • Hey girl,
        It doesn’t matter if you aren’t physically ill. Like my doctor told me, being depressed isn’t any different than having say something like a heart problem. A heart problem is alright, but the stigma attached to mental illness really sucks, she said having depression is no different, it’s a problem in my brain, no different that a problem in any other part of the body and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about, it’s not something we can help, anymore that someone can control whether they have a problem with their heart or any other body part. Doctor’s get it, but in general most people don’t, but what my doctor told me is absolutely true, if you just think about it. We’re depressed because there’s a chemical imbalance in our brains that we have no control over so people need to quit acting like depression is no big deal and that it means we’re crazy or something. I totally understand about taking awhile to get back to me, because I’m the same way. It may be awhile because I have so much shit going on with my health physical and mental, and like you, I want to be able to respond the way I want to respond, I want it to come out right. So I get it. I’ll patiently wait and when you’re ready I know you’ll send me a message and the same with me. I will always respond, don’t know how long it might take me, but I WILL. I promise. I enjoy talking to you and I think we have a lot in common and I think we can help each other. We’re walking this shitty journey together, remember? I hope you’re finding some peace and having some better days. Hope to hear from you soon, when you feel up to it, of course. Hang in there and just breathe…………………………:) I CARE. You’re important to me.

      • I’m glad you get it! Then at least I don’t need to feel like a shitbag for taking time to reply!
        Someday this journey won’t be shitty, it will be … adventurous, amazing, happy.

        Haha, it might not mean we’re crazy, but I feel kinda crazy. I just look at my life and all I’ve got, and I feel like a mad man for living in these fields of gold and still be crying. I so wish-wish-WISH I could just suck it up. I keep asking myself silently on the inside “Just suck it up Marie, please, just pull yourself together” but nothing changes, it still just hurts. I guess that’s because it’s actually a sickness and not just an attitude problem.

      • No, no need to feel like a shitbag. You reply when and only when you feel up to it. You always respond and I understand that we can’t always do it right away. I’m really, really depressed even more, now. My brother passed away, unexpectedly, in his sleep on Sept. 1, 2014. I’m not coping well, at all. I just want to die. He wasn’t only my brother, but one of my best friends and partner in crime. I’m just so very sad, right now.
        You’re not crazy and I’m not crazy. We are depressed, which does not mean we are crazy. Like you say, one day the journey won’t be so shitty. Hard to imagine, but like you, I wish, wish, wish I could just suck it up and everything would be different. Maybe it will and maybe it won’t, but it doesn’t hurt to dream. When I can pull myself together, I’ll be back to talk to you some more. I hope you had a “good” day, my friend. Hang on, I’m right here beside you………………………You’re important and I care. xxxx

  6. A feeling I know all to well. I’ve asked myself this countless times. It just doesn’t seem fair. All around us we see other people getting their happy ending. Even nasty and mean people and people who don’t even deserve a happy ending,yet they get theirs. I’m 38 and mine is still nowhere in sight. I’m starting to resound to the fact that some people just don’t get one. Doesn’t matter how much of a good person they are or how much they wish for it, pray for it or beg for it. It just isn’t meant to be for them. I think one of them, sadly.

    • I don’t think YOU are one of them. But this is the misery of depression, we all think we are the ONLY exception to the rule. We think the the only ONE person that can’t get a happy ending is ourselves. I hope and believe in a happy ending for you!

  7. I’m sorry I don’t have some paragraph long, meaningful, point-driven comment for you like most of the people do, but I just want to say that I’ve been following your blog for quite a while and everything you say speaks to me so much. THANK YOU for letting me know that I’m not actually alone. Not the only one.

    • Don’t be sorry. I’m happy about every comment, and response I get. Even if it’s just a hello!
      I’m happy to hear that it makes you feel better, or at least not as alone, that we’re more people in the same situation. Hugs!

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