I’ve got 3,5 outta 10 nails left on my feet.

I think something’s wrong with me. Actually I know something’s wrong with me, but I don’t know what. It hurts so bad. I am so stupid. Why do we keep doing these things over and over again? Why do we not remember the pain, and the shame this brings? Even the nail beds! For heavens sake!? I look like a fucking penguin when I walk. The throbbing in my toes will probably keep me up tonight, and the fucker inside reminds me that that is why I had to do it: so I wouldn’t sleep and so I’d walk around never forgetting the pain. You’re to. Never. Forget. The. Pain.

Fellow self-harmers, why do we do this to ourselves? Even when we know the relief won’t come, and even when we know that the abuser inside will never be satisfied. We say “I’m never doing that again”, but then we do. Why? Why am I so incredibly stuuuuuuupid.

 

For those of you who has left a comment: I love every comment I get. I read it and appreciate it and reread it. I will get back to you. But I’m trying to be in a right mind when I do, but I will answer it, that’s a promise you can count on. As long as I’m not hit by a meteor. In the meantime I am reading them and appreciating them, over and over. Cause they and you are valuable to me.

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15 thoughts on “I’ve got 3,5 outta 10 nails left on my feet.

  1. Well, I’ll tell you why I do it. I do it to get that release, only those of us that SH can understand that, to get that high from it. To have control over my pain so my pain can’t control me. In reality, it won’t take the pain away, but it’s a temporary thing that helps in that moment of darkness. I’m working really hard to stop it, but I just did it, again, last night and i’m really having a very strong urge to do it, again, tonight. Hang in there. I care and you matter. You’re not a one of a kind freak or anything like that.
    I have 7 of your tags for this post and several more. I truly understand. Take care, my friend. 🙂

    • Oh no! I’m gonna cry, don’t take away my deception! I like believing I’m the only one of a kind freak! Haha!
      But what I don’t understand is why we keep doing it even when we know that the release is so short-lived? Shouldn’t we be able to remember that the pain is far worse than the relief? But I guess we’re just so far down, and into the dark that every single thing helps, even if it just get’s you by for another second, we’ll take it …
      Don’t do it tonight, you’re strong, and you deserve to go to sleep without feeling the pain of new harm.

  2. Hey, you are not a one of a kind freak because there’s me. Ha Ha that means there’s two of us freaks! LOL I did it again, today. Sigh………………. I just had to. I know you understand. Another thing we do that no one else can understand. I’m not even mad at myself about it, either. Usually after I do it, I’m very pissed off at myself and call myself all kinds of names and judge myself and all that other shit we do, but these last 2 times, I didn’t even feel bad about it. Not sure if that’s bad, or good? Hmmmm………….I think my arm is infected from the last time. OOPS! Oh well, who cares? It is what it is Have a “good” night, sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Just breathe…………………………………………………….. and SH, just kidding about that second part. LOL I’ve got a weird sense of humor, huh? LOL 🙂

    • Has your infection gone away?
      I think that it’s bad that you don’t feel bad about it. Not because I think you should feel bad about it, it would’ve been good if you didn’t feel bad about it in the right way, if you understand me now … I mean that I think why you’re not feeling bad about it anymore is because you’re in a bad place, that it’s from not caring about yourself instead of accepting yourself. And that’s not good when that happens. But I don’t ever think you should beat yourself up about it or call yourself names, or judge yourself! Hell, we got others to do that for us huh?

      What part were you kidding about, I didn’t quite get that? Sorry!

  3. Yeah, I think the infection on my arm went away and I think I have another one on my leg. I’ve got some good prescription antibiotic ointment that I use. I don’t feel bad about it because my therapists have taught me to not feel bad about it and to not judge myself or to call myself all kinds of names. They try to help me to cope using different mechanisms other than SH. You’re so right, when I do this shit, I don’t give a shit about myself at the time or I’m in so much pain physically or emotionally. I was doing better and not doing it as much, but my brother died last Monday, unexpectedly, in his sleep. We were very close and I am just so sad and depressed and I can’t even imagine life without him, so of course I’ve been SHing.
    Damn straight, we got plenty of others to make us feel bad enough about ourselves. The part in my last message I said just breathe…………………………………..and SH. Then I said JK about that second part (SH) get it now? How have you been doing with it? Have you been able to not do it for awhile? No judging from me. I’m just your SH buddy and hopefully, together we will one day beat this shit and learn how to cope in a more effective way, right? I’ve missed talking to you. Keep in touch. I hope you’re doing okay. Hope to hear from you soon. Since my brother died last Monday and today is Saturday, I’ve only gotten 5-6 hours of sleep, total. If i don’t sleep soon, I’m going to snap. I need to call my doctor on Monday to see if she can give me anything else because I already take medication to help me sleep, but once again, I’m riding the insomnia train. FUCK! Hope to hear from you soon.

    • Oh, Tammy! I’m so sorry to hear about your brother! How are you doing now? I see that this is almost two weeks ago since you wrote, how did I not see this before, I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I just get so spaced out, and can’t seem to wrap my head around reading comments, though I love to hear from you.
      But now it’s been some weeks since he passed, and I’m sure it’s still such a hole in your life, but are you doing any better about the sleeping at least? Somehow everything feels even worse when we’re not sleeping, so I hope you got some sleeping aid.
      I wish there was something I could do, but I know there’s probably not, but I’m sending you virtual warm thoughts! Stay strong, breathe.

  4. Hi Marie,
    Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my brother died. Still so very sad and depressed and SHing because that’s how I cope. I did it pretty bad a few nights ago, probably needed a few stitches, but It’ll be okay. What’s another scar?
    My doctor did give me another medication to help with sleep and some nights it works great, and other’s not so much. It’s only 8:15 p.m. and I feel like I could just drop dead, I am so very tired, so when I’m done, here, responding to my notifications, I’m going to try to sleep. I’ve not been around so much since my brother died, but sigh…………………..in time……………………..it won’t hurt so bad, but that’s gonna be awhile. We were very close. Why does life have to just keep sucking so bad, all the time? There’s nothing anyone can do, but it means the world to me to know that I have people, like you, that are here for me and show that you care. I hope you are doing at least a “little” better, each day. Thank you for your warm thoughts, my dear friend. I’m trying to be strong, because that’s what my brother would want me to do, and yes, I must just breathe………………………………………………….. take care. I’ll talk to you soon. xxxxx

    • Tammy, I understand that this makes you incredible sad, that’s the only normal thing under the circumstances, but do not think that the solution is dying with him, because it’s not. You are still young and there are happiness somewhere ahead of you. There just has to be right?!
      With all the loved ones you have lost, you still got quite a few left. Be with them. Find solace in each other.

      I so wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I don’t think I know any words than can make your pain go away. But you have to believe that you won’t be sad for forever! I wish we could hang out, try to cheer you up! I dunno, I just got this urge to make you feel better, or to maybe get away from the pain for a little while.

      I don’t know if you struggle with believing people love you? But I have a tiny advice, if you sleep next to someone at night. Try to get out of your own head, and be in the moment. Maybe have your husbands arms around you and feel his arms on your skin, and think about how that feels. In that exact moment, and in stead of not trusting that he loves you (if you have struggles believing it, which maybe you don’t, but if you do!), think of the love you have for him. How beautiful he is in your eyes. And how wonderful his arms around you feels. What do you think?

      XO

  5. Hi Marie,
    Sigh…………… everything you said here is right. You’ll never believe what happened 2 weeks ago. A friend I used to work with died, only 31 and 2 young children. Last Saturday, we were finally able to have the graveside service for my brother. He didn’t belong to a church, so called the church I belong to and explained that my brother was disabled and unable to go to church, but that he was the same religion and had received all the sacraments, and the priest was ever so kind to do the service for us. We just had to wait a few weeks because he was booked. My brother was cremated, so it was okay. So, that was last Saturday and then last Monday, two days later, I went to the funeral for my friend. The day after the funeral for my friend, got on FB and my cousin sent me a private message telling me that my Godmother is unresponsive and hospice was called in. Now, she is in her 90’s and I haven’t seen her for a very long time, but people just keep dying. I don’t even get a chance to breathe before the next one is gone. Yes, it would be great if we could hang out together, but you’re probably on the other side of the world. I’ve been so sad, angry, and depressed lately, that I’ve been pushing him away. I’m afraid to get too close to anyone, anymore, for fear that they will just end up dying on me. I’m building that wall back up around me, after I spent all that hard work and time knocking that fucking wall down.XXXX

    • This sounds unimaginable. I really do understand that this must feel like hell to you. But we have to keep believing that somewhere along this road we’ll have to catch a break somehow. You are strong Tammy. You really are. And I know that loosing someone, or getting rejected, will make us afraid to experience the same thing again. It’ll make us distance ourself from the ones we love, so we’ll have less chance of ever getting hurt again. But think about this, if you or your husband died, I think you’d be just as much devastated, and maybe even more so, because you knew that you hadn’t spent as much time as you could’ve with each other. You know that saying? That what hurts more than having loved and lost, is never having loved at all. And somehow I don’t think that’s true. Because the numbness of loneliness, and emptiness and depression that comes with not having anyone to love, or anyone to feel love from, yes, it is so incredibly hard, and it hurts in the worst way imaginable. But the pain in loosing the ones you love too early, that pain is desperate, excruciating, violent. It’s more centered, and acute. And I guess both of them feels bottomless. But even though loving and then loosing might feel worse in the moment, I would choose that any day. Because while not loving at all would never give you anything good, loving and then loosing would give you so much happiness. It hurts like hell when it’s gone, or it’s over, but there will be happy memories, and there will be so many moments filled with love, and hope, and care. And one day we’ll loose it all, and it’ll hurt so much. But I think that will be worth it. But living a life with no love, with no one around, that additionally is depressive, and filled with bottomless pain, that is in no way worth it.

      I don’t know if any of this is making any sense. I hope I got across what I meant. I think it would be good for you to let your husband love you. To let him hold you, and let him be with you in your pain, and in your happiness. Let him in.

  6. Hey girl, what’s up? I’m still just sad as hell and keep getting more and more depressed by the day. It’s funny that you just wrote this, or I’m just reading this because he just asked me if he could lay down next to me and hold me and I told him to get the fuck out. He’s now downstairs playing his electric guitar. I cut the shit out of my arm last night and I forgot that I have an appointment with the neurologist tomorrow for an EMG. My understanding is that they are going to be poking me with needles or something and shocking me, to check for nerve damage. I’ve been having some weird shit going on with my arms. First they feel like they are being poked with needles, all over my arms from wrist to shoulder, and I mean it literally feels like needles. Hurts like hell. When that stops, my arms then feel like they are on fire, which even hurts worse and now that doctor is going to see my arm and I could tell him some story, but I think they do this shit on my legs, too, and he’ll then see all the scars on my thighs. Life is just so painful right now, seems my whole life has been painful. I’m working really hard at making it better. I mean, shit, I go to therapy 3 times a week and I usually do everything I’m told to do. I know it’s just going to take time and that I need to grieve, but damn it just hurts so fucking much. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even here, myself. What have you been doing? It’s been awhile, but I was glad to hear from you. Keep swimming, my dear friend. Take care. XXXX

    • Hey, how are you?
      Have you kept swimming lately?
      I’ve been AWOL for a long time, but now I’m back I guess. I’m sorry for being so long since I answered you. But as I’ve sworn, I’ll always get back to you.
      I read on your blog that you’ve been admitted for a while, how is it being back in the world?
      I hope you’re not mad or disappointed with me for not getting back to you sooner, and for not being a good friend at all. Hope to hear from you soon!

      • Hey girl, I never get mad at my friends here. We’re all experiencing something. I was gone for quite awhile, myself. So, I understand. So glad to hear from you, though. I had the worst experience of my life this last time I voluntarily had myself admitted to the Behavioral Health Unit. I will NEVER go there, again. You name it, it happened. They took my visitation away because the night before, 2 of my kids came up to visit and were very worried about me. They said I looked so sick and wanted to know if they were addressing any of my medical needs, such as keeping me hydrated and doing tube feedings? I told them no, they wouldn’t even let me have a pump to feed myself. They kept telling my kids that “that isn’t medically necessary.” My daughter ended up going off on them, I went down the hall cussing out every nurse and anyone else working there. I made sure everyone on the unit heard what I had to say. LOL 🙂 That was not me. That was the withdrawals kicking in and I had no idea. Agitation is a huge symptom of withdrawals. No one told me what was happening to me, and made me feel like I was going crazy! The next night I gave them a quadruple dose of the same. They called security up and told me to pack up my stuff because they were gonna put me back in the 4 bed unit for the most psychotic patients. They were only doing that because the night I was admitted they only had one bed and it was back there, but they told me they would move me as soon as a bed became available, which was the next morning, but they knew I was terrified back there. Really? 3 security guards and 3 or 4 nurses against me!!!!!! I told them I wasn’t going back there and if they got out of my room, I wouldn’t say anything else or come out of my room, for that matter. I did scratch the shit out of my arms, right in front of them, when they first told me my visitation was taken away. I told them that I wanted to leave then and that’s when they said, “no, you’re not going anywhere.” I was a voluntary admission which means I can leave whenever I want. Then the bastards put a 72 hour HOLD on me. LOL LOL LOL Fuck em!!!!!!! I got out after a week, and I will never go there again. I told the charge nurse that was doing my discharge paperwork, that I always felt safe there and it was the only place I would ever go, and that now I don’t feel safe here, anymore, and I will just stay home next time, and whatever happens, happens. I’ve just been pretty sick, lately. What’s new? .
        You’re always a good friend, no worries. I’m not always the best at getting back to everyone. I’ve been taking breaks with this blogging, every now and then. It gets to be like a full time job. Don’t get me wrong, I love blogging, but I have to get my ass out of this damn bed and build up some strength so I can have my hip surgery. The doctor said he can’t operate on me in my current condition because I would be too high risk for complications and probably wouldn’t even survive such a major surgery. So, I guess you could say, “I”m still swimming!” How bout you? You swimming, girl? I’ve messed up a few times this past week (you know what I mean?) What have you been up to? I hope you are doing “better.” I’ll get over to your blog soon and take a look around. I’ve not been on for 3 or 4 days and now I have so many comments that I need to reply to. Take care and you know I’ll always be here for you because I care. If it takes me awhile, it just means I’m taking a short break or really sick, but I’ll always get back to you. Take care. Have a good weekend and I hope to talk to you soon. xxx Tammy 🙂 So glad you’re back! )

      • I’m glad we understand each other when it comes to the responding when we get to it. We both know that sooner or later there will be a response.

        Do you mind me asking what has happened since you’re needing feeding tubes? Are you that depressed or is it because of something physical? And withdrawal from what?

        I suppose mental care providers are just doing their best, but sometimes you really wonder. How can they be so thick. How can they not see what is best.
        It sucks that one of your safe places is no longer so safe. We’re meant to be turning there for help, there’s supposed to be some places we can turn to when everything is shit, and then be cared for and helped, and it sucks when someone ruins that. It’s not everyone, but just the few people is enough to scare us away.
        xo

      • Hey there, how are you doing today, my friend? The reason I have had a feeding tube in the past and currently is because I have severe gastroparesis. My stomach is basically paralyzed and when I eat, the food sits in my stomach way longer than what is considered normal. It would probably be a lot easier if you google it. The withdrawals I’ve been experiencing are from Clonazepam, of which I’ve been on for 5 or 6 years and my primary care doctor was going to help me with a tapering schedule when I see her at my next appointment, in May. But, I ended up in the hospital and the doctor that I had decided he was gonna get me completely off of it in less than a week. I was HORRIBLE! I’m still having withdrawal symptoms, but not near as bad, it’s now tolerable, but annoying. From my research, I may feel like this for months. GREAT!!!!!
        I no longer have a safe haven and after what they did to me, I’m afraid to go anywhere else ever again, and I won’t. Hopefully, there won’t be a next time, but reality is…………………………….anyway………….I am in extensive outpatient therapy, so I should be okay to deal with things on the outside, as opposed to being admitted, voluntarily to a psych ward. I’ve been doing pretty well for the past several days, 4 or 5. I’ve been forcing myself to do the things on my “to do list” that one of my therapists helped me with. I do feel really good about myself when I am able to accomplish these things, however with all my medical problems, I’m not always able to complete it and then I feel like a great big failure, with a capital F! Today has been a day of which I used to refer to as a day that I failed at life, but I’ve been doing a lot, for me anyway, for the past several days and this is what happens, it wears me down and then I can’t get out of bed. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better and I can get back to working on life, it’s one hell of a job, isn’t it? I’m not letting myself beat myself up today for not feeling well. My body says REST, so REST it is. It’s when I end up feeling really shitty for long periods of time and don’t get out of bed, that gets me all down on life and stuff, if ya know what I mean? I think you do. Doing what I’m capable of, regardless of how big or little it was, is the key to my misery. I’m just gonna take it one day at a time, as to not set myself up to fail. I don’t just lay in bed all day and sleep or watch tv, I so Sudoku puzzles, color mandalas (a form of active meditation), listen to music, meditate, and I write a lot. I spent hours today working on my next post, but it will take a few more days for me to get it just right, the way I’m happy with. So, I’m not totally useless, unless I choose to be and it feels so much better to not feel that way. I know it’s a roller coaster ride, and there will always be not only all the ups, but there will always be the downs of life. Acceptance is really hard, and I’m working on just that. I applaud myself on days that I feel were productive and I was somewhat active, and accept the days when I’m unable. If I don’t let myself get down on myself, it can’t escalate. When I get stuck, all hell breaks loose and I feel like giving up, but I’m working on that, too. NO more giving up!!!! 🙂

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