I objectively want to die

I’ve thought about it long and hard. For many years, actually. I see that my decision has been influenced by my subjectivity to the matter, of course it has! But now, I think I have come to the point where I can make an objective choice. Or, I don’t just think, I know. I am making an objective choice, to die. It’s based on facts not feelings. 

  • My life is not worth living, because I have no real feelings, they are all some sort of bullshit: when I’m feeling happy, I don’t feel happy, I think and know happy. When I love someone, I don’t feel love towards them, I think it. 
  • I am a narcissistic psychopath (this doesn’t mean that every narcissistic psychopath should die, or that they can’t have a good life, it just means that I can’t have a good life as a narcissistic psychopath): the meaning in life for me lies in making a difference, and caring about others, as I cannot feel for others, that only leaves me with making a difference, but I cannot make a difference when the only thing I’m occupied with is me, myself and I. 
  • I am ugly (OK, I’m gonna be real honest, I don’t know where that came from, but it stays, it sounds objective to me that that should be a fact for me to die).
  • I have no value.
  • The people I’m surrounded by in my everyday life will be better off without me: my therapist will have room for a new patient, that will benefit both my therapist and the new patient; my family will have one less gift to get for Christmas; my colleagues don’t have to look at me during their work-day and they’ll have more work to do, this will make them feel more at peace and like they have more of a purpose; etc. etc. 

So, as you can see, this choice is not driven by subjective feelings, and whims. It’s thought-through and logical, reasonable, and objective. 

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32 thoughts on “I objectively want to die

  1. Jesus Christ, it’s like you’re speaking for me. Being so self obsessed is a bitch. Can’t think most of the time because of it.

      • Perhaps self-obsessed is the wrong word. I apologize, I did not intend to be cruel. What I mean to say is that I think that the source of a lot of personal woe results from a preoccupation with the conditions under which the “self” resides. In my own life I tend to notice that, even while surrounded by people, I can’t help but draw my attention back to the disparity between what I have and what they have, or how they act and how I’m incapable of acting and so on. Even though these are artificial evaluation, because what is apparent and what is, does not always reflect each other, it still feels real. Regardless of what’s happening, the ‘self’ is the star of the show. So anything ‘objectively good’ right in front of you has no real meaning or value.

        We’re in the same boat. Let’s paddle together. 🙂

      • Hell yeah! Let’s paddle together! 🙂

        Some of your thoughts here translates quite intricate. But it could be the fact that it’s the middle of the night over here, so I’ll look at it again in daylight. Looking forwards to reading it again and reading more of your musings at your blog, that post I just commented on was very good, so I’m eager to learn more!

        Gosh, this is so stupid. I mean: I genuinely mean those things, but no matter how much I mean them, and think them, I can’t find a way to feel them. Strange.

      • Can’t reply to your response for some reason, weird. I changed the setting for ‘enabling threaded comments’ under discussion settings and it seemed to allow more dialogue. I’m so glad we could get on the same page! :). I know what you mean. Most of the time I either feel nothing or incredible ‘stress’. It’s a very strange way to live. I look forward to talking with you about the odd functionings of our brains, haha.

      • Yeah, it’s a very strange way to live, and a very … annoying way to live! I don’t wanna feel either nothing, or too much! Why can’t we just feel alright?!

  2. I hear you saying that you want to turn your hand in, and start with a new deck, like playing cards.

    I hear you saying that love doesn’t count unless you feel it. If you had no value, then you could not be loving, regardless of how you feel, or whether you feel.

    Your objective thoughts are challenging. One of the greatest highs is when we overcome challenges like this one. I send to you waves of strength so you can ride through this time and see the other side. I have people in my life who faced this challenge and made it. I’m really glad that they did. I wonder if you know anyone who can show you ways to face this challenge? You deserve success.

    • Wow. Thank you so much for this comment. I’m not really sure I deserve anything good though, but it’s nice of you to say so still.
      And yeah, I do know people who can show me how to face this challenge, luckily I’m in treatment, and got a therapist and a doctor that I’m working well with.
      So you’re saying that I have value since I love, regardless of whether I’m feeling it or not? But what if I’m not loving, then I don’t have value?

      • I know how it feels to wonder if I deserve anything good. A friend whom I cherish tells me, “Being is its own justification.” To me, that means that being alive makes us entitled to good things.

        I’m glad that you’re in treatment, working with a therapist and doctor. I believe that they are exactly who you need them to be, to get to where you are going.

        Regarding the questions below about life or death or living or dieing being easier, I was so miserable as a kid, I just KNEW that adulthood was going to be GREAT. I was right. I would never choose to go back, even knowing what I know now.

        My statement about love was in response to your statement, “When I love someone…” If you stop loving everyone and anyone, then you might want to reexamine your definition of, or criteria for, “love”. I suggest that you write it out in great detail, asking yourself “what do you mean by that” after writing each statement, and writing that out.

        Best wishes to you . . .

      • But what if “being is its own justification” doesn’t apply to me? What if I’m the only exception, that I’m just not valuable at all?

        And I am in adulthood, and I don’t think it will ever be GREAT, or even easier. It’s so hopeless.

        But still, I’m happy to read that you got out of it. That you’re not miserable anymore!
        Thanks for the comment, and best wishes to you too!

      • I just noticed that your blog header quotes Carl Jung, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Right on! That is one of my favorite concepts 🙂

      • Great questions. What if you’re not valuable? Do you value everyone except you? Who decides whether a person is valuable? Is being valuable a decision? a choice? an option? Are we born valuable? How do we gain or lose value as time goes by?

        What do you think of your blog’s header quote? What if you choose to be valuable?

        Thanks for reminding me how far I’ve come. I see that you can get to where you want to be, but what I see doesn’t matter. What you see is much more important. What do you want to see?

        I see you as a valuable person.

      • Wow. This was so philosophical! No, being valuable is not a decision, everyone is valuable! Besides me, I’m not. And about my header quote, I am what I choose to become, could I choose to become valuable since I’m not already? No can’t. You have to be born that way, and I wasn’t. So I’m not really sure I’m a human, because all humans are valuable. But I wish I was valuable. I’m sorry I am not. And that’s strange, because how can YOU see ME as valuable, when I’m really not? That’s kinda strange that someone, a living being can see me as valuable, when I’m not. Wow, my mind is a little spaced now.

      • Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m smiling as you work to unravel this logic. I look forward to seeing if you go further with it, and, if so, how you work it out.

        So, your giving me something to look forward to means that you are valuable. Do you want to see how valuable you are?

      • Haha, it’s hard to believe such a depressed mind as my own can make anyone smile!

        Yeah, I want to see how valuable I am! I mean I definitely don’t know how to believe such a thing, but if you got a crystal ball I’d reallyreallyreally like to look into it 😉

  3. With all due respect, that was an extremely subjective view of yourself. What do others have to say about you? Is it similar to what you have to say about yourself? Some of the things that you’ve said are contradicting, you can’t be a narcissistic psychopath and yet view a fulfilling life as one with meaning. You’re going to argue otherwise and I can’t change your mind on WordPress in one post. I just ask you, please try and look at it from a different perspective.

    • Haha! Thank you! I see that this post is absolutely ridiculous! I am grateful that since you don’t know me you tried to tell me in a respectful manner, I really-really appreciate that you tried to help me change my mind. I see that what I’m writing is stupid. For instance the ugly thing, since when is being ugly a argument to die? So I see how stupid it is, but this post is meant to view how stupid a sick, depressed, and suicidal mind really is. And that’s not a snarky comment to the depressed people out there, but it’s true (at least from where I’m standing!), we’re not rational or logical, we’re just … sick, and painfully illogical. As you said, my objectivity is extremely subjective, still I think it’s facts not feelings.

  4. You are to, valuable. You are very valuable to me. You’re always here, giving me great advice. You are one of the people who truly understand. I feel like dying all the time and guess who it is that’s always telling me that, that is not the answer. You ARE valuable. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved. You ARE all of these things and more, much more than you realize. I CARE, my dear friend and I would be very sad if you died. Try to remember all the advice you are always able to give to me and give t to yourself, as well. Remember that we agreed to walk this fucked up journey together? Please, don’t ever forget that. Let’s keep swimming, even when we feel like drowning, okay?

  5. I’m about to drown, but I’m still barely swimming. Be strong and keep your head above water. I hope things have been “better” for you, lately. I haven’t been on for quite awhile because i’m just too sad and depressed at the moment and feel like doing absolutely nothing, but laying in my bed, listening to music. Then there’s all the fucking appointments. Hang on, my friend.

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