I am crashing down

You dropped me into thin air
and everything moves faster there
I am crashing down
free falling is my tumble-ground
I am a wrecking ball
faster, faster, faster I fall
I am crashing fast
can’t save my future from my past

We are miles apart
Do you feel the ice, from my heart?
We are like night and day
Come here, come here, stay, no, go away
I see the blood pumping into your hand
You’re sitting right there, but you’re far away in a far away land
We are like down and up
You see my pain but the feeling don’t stop

This is part of a song I made some days ago. I kinda like the melody, and the words. They really convey something I feel. The isolation, and stuff. I mean … most of my songs and creative things are sad and stuff, and I’m sorry about that. I wish I had some positivity to push onto you all! but I don’t … It’s hard to act, because I’m trying to be true to myself.

I know that lately all my post have been down-down-down (or they have been from my side of the screen at least), and I guess you guys are pretty fed up with that now. I wish I could say that, tomorrow(!) I’m gonna write a positive, feel-good post. But I can’t, because that would be lying. Like, heck, I’m really trying to hold the bullshit away from here, but I think it’s seeping through. Well, I hope you’ll hang in there with me, and keep being great, because that kinda makes me happy, when I don’t even know what happy means.

HELLO! You are amazing! Rock on to the end of the world. Don’t ever give up. Keep trying. If you fall, get back up, and whenever you fall again, do the same thing over and over. You can do it. I believe in you, and you can believe in yourself. Applaud yourself for taking a shower, if that’s hard to do. Don’t judge yourself. Be nice, to others, but more importantly to yourself! And hey! If you want to listen to an upbeat song, check out Noah and the Whale with L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N¬†ūüôā¬†

Hugs. (They are real)

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Songlyrics #1

So while in hospital I got creative. Pain breeds creativity?
It’s pretty downhearted (as usual?).

Lonely to the core
Lonely, don’t know what for
Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

In the well of my mind I’m sitting stuck
Deep in mud, can’t get up
can’t get up

All tangled up in the dark
To far away from the spark
from the spark

Surrounded by people, I’m alone
Bound to my house, I’m not home
I’m not home

Running away, I am still
Too much life, but no will
no will

Lonely to the core
Lonely, don’t know what for
Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

Good bye hospital, hello world

So, I’ve been to the hospital. I went for my tuesday appointment with my psychologist, and I didn’t return.

Even though I was only there for 3 days, I don’t really know where to start. I want to blast off about the idiot psychiatrist I met. I wanna tell you about how disappointed the system made/makes me. I want to let you know that in the midst of all that, there was a nice guy whom I played chess with, he won 2 times and I won 2 times.

But I can’t, yet. I haven’t been very good at being honest lately, and I don’t think I’m all the way there. But soon, I hope. Or … lol, who cares anyways. It’s not as though if I don’t write about that anyone is gonna miss it … I’m the only one reading this shit. And how absurd is that, me writing to myself about no one but myself reading it. And … I’ll stop.

Well. I’ve spent the last hours recording with my recorder the song I posted a draft off. Somewhere in there I mess up the lyrics, and it’s somewhat off pitch at times too. But I do think it’s better than the draft. Let me know, what you think! Please.

It’s about losing someone, and not managing to let them go. How life seems too lonely without them.

Draft of song, “Come back”

It’s been quite a while since I really touched my guitar, or played or painted or did anything remotely creative. But out of the blue I made a song tonight. And I think being a perfectionist sucks. Being so stuck up on what people think sucks balls. So what am I gonna do? I’m gonna post a draft of the song. It was recorded with my computer microphone and, yeah, as I said it’s ¬†a draft, just made. But hopefully you won’t think ALL of it blows …

(Uploaded the song in a new post after recording it with a real recorder)

As I said, I’m trying to not take myself too seriously and stuff and not be too self-conscious and perfectionistic, but I don’t think I’ll leave it up for long. There are boundaries!

So if anyone get’s to hear it, let me know what you think, even though it’s “You’re a terrible singer, it’s too repetitive, go die” … Or don’t say “go die”.

I’m anxious.

There’s a man in Camden Town

There’s a man in Camden Town
he did some coke on Friday
Yeah, there’s a man in Camden Town
he did some coke on Friday

He’s a business man, with no girl at hand
he roams the streets of London
Wanders aimlessly, on troubled feet
hw watches the world fly by

There’s a warthog in a mausoleum
there’a a princess washing floors
yeah that rightwing man will vote for the Labours
and the fire will be cold

There’s a man in Camden Town
he went to work on Monday
There’s a man in Camden Town
he went to work on Monday

He’s a worried guy, but he gets by
he loves to make it thunder
Dances flawlessly, on troubled feet
and he watches the world fly by

There’s a warthog in a mausoleum
yeah there’s a princess washing floors
that rightwing man will vote for the Labours
and the fire, the fire will be cold

I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Help, I have done it again 
I have been here many times before 
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

How can Sia’s words be so much more fitting than my own. I can put those words out there, because I know it wasn’t I (!) who wrote them. No matter how much they apply to me right now, the¬†help word is not my own. Because it’s scary. But when it’s hers it’s okay to let it show.¬†

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me

I don’t know how to try anymore.
Even if I did say it myself (help)¬†… I don’t know how.
Help. me. breathe? 

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

God. Please.

See my hand reaching out for you

I walk through these streets of mud
I get why you stopped believing in God
I feel your pain in my body
and this is what I see

A brother, an equal, a friend
a heart full of sores, so hard to mend
He’s fighting a war we can’t understand
I’m mereley a visitor in his land
He’s just like you, and like me
But he has seen so many secrets we don’t see
He’s pushing a wagon filled with stone
It’s breaking my heart, he pushes it alone