and I keep falling
I don’t get it
Why do I keep getting up?
and I keep falling
I don’t get it
Why do I keep getting up?
I want to work in a humanitarian organization, where I can help those who can’t help themselves. Where I can make a difference. Where I can contribute to making the world a better place to live. I want to make impossible things possible. Where I know everyday I get out of bed that what I’m doing is important for others and not just myself. I want others to feel a passion for meaning something in other peoples lives. I want to create a fire and a desire for looking further than to their own neighborhoods, or their own country. Make others realize that people are people, and that a life is a life is a life.
Yes, I believe I can make a difference, but I believe that if more people know and care we will be able to make a bigger difference. I’m not saying that you have to save lives to make a difference, just a smile or a word can mean so much. What I’m saying is that I want people to realize their potential in the world, to believe in themselves and go out and make the impact they want to make. They have power.
Whether it is to give a smile and “thank you” to the lady in the store, tell the kids on their way to school that it is not okay to throw pebbles at other kids, give 20$ a month to a voluntary organization, help the neighbor with the economy tally, go to a concert the local teens have arranged, or to make dinner for your family, you have the power and opportunity to make a difference. The truth is that almost everything you do mean something in someone else’s lives, no matter what.
I want to work in a humanitarian organization. I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I want to help those who have no voice, or who aren’t heard, to be heard. I want to say “No freedom without love. No love without freedom.”
I don’t want to hurt you, but I want to go. You want me to keep on going in the pattern that is usual, that is normal, because then you can keep on believing that there is progress; you can keep on believing that I haven’t fallen outside the system and outside society. You want me not to go because then you can be safe, then you can be in control. I don’t want you to judge, be unsafe or worrying, or even missing me, but I want to go. I can stay, keep on going, get old, reminisce about the past, but I want to go. I can stay while I wait for death, but I want to go. I want to go because I believe in life. I don’t want to live half way, because that’s not life. Life is full and whole. I believe in a life where you’re alive. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to spend time wondering and worrying, but I want to go. Live knowing that I am better now. I don’t want to be in a prison where I’m just waiting to die .. therefore I’m going. Don’t be afraid. I’m not alone, but I want to go. I want to find life.
I wrote this October 2011, which is nearly one and a half year ago. I still want to go. I never did. I was too stuck on living by the rules. The only way I would ever break them was to write something like this. But this was real, and it still is. The only difference is now maybe I’m brave enough to go do. I want to go, I want to find life, and be alive.
I have been thinking a lot lately. Honestly I believe I’ve been thinking a lot my entire life. But anyroads … You know how my last post was that I kept realizing that it’s all just bullshit. That this life is just fuck. I mean, I’m not saying that the world is just a bad place, because it’s a wonderful place. But still it’s just nothing you know. But I felt like the realization of this world being just bullshit, was something that told me to die. Or just like another reason to give up on life. Another reason to not want to pull through this. I felt like the world being meaningless was a surefire reason to just get the hell out of life.
But then someone says something to me, something they had been told when they were feeling the same way I was feeling. “Yeah, life is meaningless, and isn’t that nice?” And I’m like, wtf? EXACTLY, it is meaningless and therefore we all can just go jump off a cliff you know. And she tells me that she felt the same way at first, and had been like, ‘what is your problem?’. And that is basically what I’m feeling towards her, that she obviously doesn’t understand since she can say something SO STUPID. But you know what I realize now? I’m the stupid one.
I’m so darn hung up on finding meaning in this shit that I spend my life, I spend my days, my hours, my minutes being miserable. And maybe there is a meaning and maybe there’s not. But no matter which one is right, we got this life. And we can do what we want to do with it. We can kill ourselves trying to figure out what it’s all about, or we can just fucking live.
I’m not saying I can chose the depression to disappear or that I can chose that my functionality in my life just goes from 20% to 110% just within the blink of an eye because I made a choice or had a thought. I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying that realizing that you will never really know what the point is, and that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your own life, can make something snap inside of you. Why are we dreaming about dying, is it because we are hoping to find more meaning and reason and purpose there? Maybe there’s no point in life, but there sure aren’t any point in death either as far as we know.
I don’t know. Seriously I don’t know. I don’t know where I’m gonna go. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know who I am! I don’t know any of the existential shit that you keep worrying, wondering and nagging yourself about. But does it matter. I am and I breathe and I live even though I don’t know.
Some days (or seconds) I think that “you just have to keep going, trust in yourself, and do the work that has to be done”. I think that I can’t waste any more days, and that I just have to work my ass off and it’ll pay. I think that maybe I’ll make it. Maybe I’ll get through. I tell myself to believe, and to not be let down by others anymore. “It’s just YOU!”
Other days I think that “I’ll simply lie here until it passes, let what happens happen, and get back to it when the hardships are over”. I think that I’ll just let it be, until it gets easier. I think that maybe it will pass. I tell myself to believe that it shall pass, and be like a bear, and sleep through it.
No matter what I think and what I tell myself, I know that I am not strong enough to get through and make it, and I am not dumb enough to believe that it will pass.
Some days I believe and some days I don’t, but most days I just don’t know.