I feel like I haven’t evolved the last year. Like I haven’t moved an inch, not even a millimeter. I look at my life and feel like I’ve been stuck. For years. But it’s not true. I have evolved.
YES, I’m not better than I was last year. I haven’t come further in my education. I haven’t got any more work practice. I haven’t got any new friends. I haven’t moved out of my parents house. I’m not anywhere near an intimate relationship, or anywhere near wanting one. I’m still depressed. I’m still struggling with anxiety. I haven’t figured out a way to want life, or to be in life without it hurting. Yes, yes, yes. I’m not better than I was last year, I’m still sick … And it hurts so much to admit that, to know that. But denying the truth won’t make me get any further, denying reality won’t make anything any better.
YES, I’m not better than I was last year. I’m not further, faster, stronger. So what have I done all this time. Hung around, chilling, letting my life pass me by, going to waste? No. Because I’m not better than I was last year, but I have evolved.
I have ‘developed, changed, transformed’. I have evolved.
I’m not really into etymology, but I looked it up and the word comes from ‘unroll, unfold’, and that’s what I have. And things might not be any better yet, and I’m not any closer to a feeling of purpose or meaning, but I’m honest … Or, more honest (pause) than I was.
I have been fighting, and holding on with all of me, with all I’ve got to give. I have made it through another year. And yes, I’m at the same place, with the same people, with the same pain. But it’s not the same. It’s 2014, not 2013, or 2009. And maybe that’s all, maybe that’s enough. Because I could beat up on myself for not being well yet, and keep telling myself I suck, and that I’m not good enough, but what good is that gonna do? None. So I’m trying to tell myself that I have evolved. But really, I don’t know.
Feeling like a ton of waste because who am I to complain, when I don’t live in a third world country and have food on the table and heat in the floor. I try. I fight.