Why can’t I cry?

I read on a blog a few days ago that crying is being weak. (And here I take a long pause trying to find the post where I read it so I could be accurate, but I realize I have no idea how to find the exact blog, since it was a random one I found in the ‘tags’-thingy, and that crying being weak could be a statement I found anywhere, so it probably doesn’t really matter to those who read this where I read it. Sorry for the long blurb about what just happened … OMG! What’s the matter with me?! Anyroads:)

I disagree. I totally disagree.
I think crying is being strong. It’s about letting yourself feel what you’re feeling. Letting go of the control and letting your body experience the emotions you’re filled with. It’s accepting the different reactions we as humans have to the world, sadness being one of them. Being able to cry means being able to live freely. Restricting yourself, and holding tears back prevents you from experiencing the depth of our lives. Crying can feel good, but I would say crying hurts, it’s painful. So that’s why I’m saying that crying is being strong. And sometimes crying is being brave.

My eyes fill with tears. There’s so much pain, hurt and sadness inside of me, and that makes my eyes water, but I do not cry. And it’s not because I hold it back intentionally. I don’t know why I cannot cry, I don’t understand it. I feel my eyes get wet, but I simply cannot let the tears fall. There are times I’m overcome with emotions, and it’s terrible, everything is just terrible, but I don’t cry.

My therapist asked me something a while back, and I said that it was poetic, and it was, but he responded that no, it wasn’t meant to be, it was just the truth, a truthful question. He said “If you let yourself cry, do you think you could ever stop?”

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I just wanna be somebody

Someone like you. Live this life, enjoy it, breathe while I can. I don’t wanna wither away. I wanna be me, dare to be me. Say what I mean and don’t care who judges me, believe that in the end it’s most important that I myself care and that I myself don’t judge.

You can never change the ones around you, but you can change yourself. Or so I have heard, but it certainly feels just as hard as trying to change someone else. Hold my hand. Be my friend. Let me be me.

Do you also feel alone?

I am not alone, but I feel alone. It is not so much that I am lonely, but I guess I am quite lonely as well. But it is the feeling of being alone that disturbs me. And you may say feeling alone and feeling lonely is the same, but I disagree.

I do miss people, and wish I had people closer to me, and spent more time with them. So that is the lonely part. But that part is okay, it is possible to live with, because you know that you’re feeling lonely because you’re friends is far away, or because you maybe don’t have that many friends in your life.

To feel alone is worse. You can even be surrounded and feel alone. You are you. It is a gift sometimes, but often it feels agoraphobic … and then claustrophobic. Both at the same time. It is like a ball of anxiety in your chest. You can be surrounded by your closest friends and not be lonely at all, but still feel alone. It is strange, especially when you read it black on white, it’s not logical: to be with someone, not feel lonely, but still feel completely lost and alone.

I wouldn’t want it any different. But I do wish I could appreciate it, appreciate being me, and being the only me that exits, instead of feeling alone, and scared.

The truth is that we are always alone. And we are never alone.