Hey stranger!

I wanna tell you something that will make you smile. I wanna make a change. I want you to feel better. I want you to be happy. But the truth is that I don’t know what to do to make you feel any kind of better. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. 

I don’t even know what to do to make me feel better. I’ve been sad, sick, tired and hopeless for too long. Maybe this is the time to let go. The time to stop trying. The time to stop being afraid of what death will do to the ones I leave behind, and what it’ll do to me. Maybe I just need to take the leap … again.

Stranger, and not-so-much-a-stranger-anymore, I want to tell you something that will make you smile. But I’m not sure I can. But I will tell you this: I appreciate your comment. Even if I take weeks to come back to you, I will always respond as long as I’m alive. And every comment, and word of encouragement means a lot to me. To hear that my words is read at all … Yeah, that’s kind of nice. Never give up in your ability to make a change in someone else’s life. Believe in the power of your words, and your caring.

And Stranger, one more thing, you’re valuable, worth it, wonderful. Believe it. Reach.


Breathe in, breathe out

So … I’m out. Like, out from hospital.

I didn’t think I had missed home, and I didn’t. I didn’t miss the living room or the kitchen. But I did miss my rooms. I missed being able to sit in my couch and put my feet on the table. I know, I know it’s not very sanitary or whatever, but it goes! I missed my purple home-knitted blanket, I missed the candles and all of my books. So for a little while it felt good, slouching down on the couch, putting my feet on the table … and then suddenly I was filled with despair. The same feeling as before. I remembered how, and why it had become as bad as it did, and it felt as bad as it was again.

I’m gonna be honest: I’m scared! I’m scared that this is how it’s gonna feel forever. I’m scared that I’ll never get better. I’m scared that living is always gonna be so painful I can’t handle it. I’m scared that somehow I’ll forget how to breathe and then die. And the worst thing isn’t dying. The worst thing is living. I’m scared to exist in a world where there’s this strange unexplained pain every day. Where loneliness and emptiness, and hopelessness swallows you. I’m scared that the sun will go down, and the suicidal impulses will be to hard to handle. I’m scared to live.

I just don’t really know how to handle this. I wish it was easier. I wish I had a manual I could follow. Always do the right things and not need to be alone with the pain.

I am crashing down

You dropped me into thin air
and everything moves faster there
I am crashing down
free falling is my tumble-ground
I am a wrecking ball
faster, faster, faster I fall
I am crashing fast
can’t save my future from my past

We are miles apart
Do you feel the ice, from my heart?
We are like night and day
Come here, come here, stay, no, go away
I see the blood pumping into your hand
You’re sitting right there, but you’re far away in a far away land
We are like down and up
You see my pain but the feeling don’t stop

This is part of a song I made some days ago. I kinda like the melody, and the words. They really convey something I feel. The isolation, and stuff. I mean … most of my songs and creative things are sad and stuff, and I’m sorry about that. I wish I had some positivity to push onto you all! but I don’t … It’s hard to act, because I’m trying to be true to myself.

I know that lately all my post have been down-down-down (or they have been from my side of the screen at least), and I guess you guys are pretty fed up with that now. I wish I could say that, tomorrow(!) I’m gonna write a positive, feel-good post. But I can’t, because that would be lying. Like, heck, I’m really trying to hold the bullshit away from here, but I think it’s seeping through. Well, I hope you’ll hang in there with me, and keep being great, because that kinda makes me happy, when I don’t even know what happy means.

HELLO! You are amazing! Rock on to the end of the world. Don’t ever give up. Keep trying. If you fall, get back up, and whenever you fall again, do the same thing over and over. You can do it. I believe in you, and you can believe in yourself. Applaud yourself for taking a shower, if that’s hard to do. Don’t judge yourself. Be nice, to others, but more importantly to yourself! And hey! If you want to listen to an upbeat song, check out Noah and the Whale with L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N 🙂 

Hugs. (They are real)

The world is shit

I love the look of painted nails on a keyboard. I love bread fresh from the oven. I love the sound of G sharp and E minor. I love finding words to reach out with. But the world is shit. Utterly, endlessly.

Everything goes too fast. And I want off. I don’t wanna go for another ride now. I don’t wanna take another spin with this planet. The only problem is there’s nothing else.

Game over is passage to nothing, to unknown. And that is scary too.

I wish someone could just reach out to me, and hold my heart until I felt better. Say abracadabra, and it all would feel good.

Gosh, I think I’m gonna cry.

Songlyrics #1

So while in hospital I got creative. Pain breeds creativity?
It’s pretty downhearted (as usual?).

Lonely to the core
Lonely, don’t know what for
Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

In the well of my mind I’m sitting stuck
Deep in mud, can’t get up
can’t get up

All tangled up in the dark
To far away from the spark
from the spark

Surrounded by people, I’m alone
Bound to my house, I’m not home
I’m not home

Running away, I am still
Too much life, but no will
no will

Lonely to the core
Lonely, don’t know what for
Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

Lonely at the beginning
Lonely at the end

I am too lonely

I don’t know what to say.

I don’t wanna be a cry-baby, but thinking about shit makes me cry. Admitting shit makes me cry. I don’t wanna tell you I’m lonely. It feels like a failure, like I’ve lost in something. Like I’m a loser for admitting it. But it’s true. It’s fucking true. I’m an idiot. I’m mean to myself. Wish I could just be a winner or something. Wish I could accomplish something. Wish I could live in a fairytale, in the happy ever after part.