Why can’t I cry?

I read on a blog a few days ago that crying is being weak. (And here I take a long pause trying to find the post where I read it so I could be accurate, but I realize I have no idea how to find the exact blog, since it was a random one I found in the ‘tags’-thingy, and that crying being weak could be a statement I found anywhere, so it probably doesn’t really matter to those who read this where I read it. Sorry for the long blurb about what just happened … OMG! What’s the matter with me?! Anyroads:)

I disagree. I totally disagree.
I think crying is being strong. It’s about letting yourself feel what you’re feeling. Letting go of the control and letting your body experience the emotions you’re filled with. It’s accepting the different reactions we as humans have to the world, sadness being one of them. Being able to cry means being able to live freely. Restricting yourself, and holding tears back prevents you from experiencing the depth of our lives. Crying can feel good, but I would say crying hurts, it’s painful. So that’s why I’m saying that crying is being strong. And sometimes crying is being brave.

My eyes fill with tears. There’s so much pain, hurt and sadness inside of me, and that makes my eyes water, but I do not cry. And it’s not because I hold it back intentionally. I don’t know why I cannot cry, I don’t understand it. I feel my eyes get wet, but I simply cannot let the tears fall. There are times I’m overcome with emotions, and it’s terrible, everything is just terrible, but I don’t cry.

My therapist asked me something a while back, and I said that it was poetic, and it was, but he responded that no, it wasn’t meant to be, it was just the truth, a truthful question. He said “If you let yourself cry, do you think you could ever stop?”

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Dependent much?

Truth #5.

I’m getting better at this honesty stuff. Barely lied all day! Woot?!

So. Hey! I think I’m a really dependent person. I would LOVE to say that I’m like independent and resourceful and stuff, but truth is, I need others. And what I’m thinking about right now is for emotional and social support. I think it’s because I’m so insecure, and have low self-esteem. And because I’m neurologically messed up and don’t know what’s right and wrong to say sometimes.

The truth is I evaluate almost every social encounter I have with people I don’t know properly with my mom, or some other close confidant. I feel stupid for doing it, thinking I should just do and forget. I don’t need to recap everything, do I!? Well, it seems I do. Almost until I get someone agreeing with that it was okay, and not lame, and the right thing to do, I can’t forget about it.

Like today, I met this guy walking in my neighborhood when I was walking towards my house. It was dark and I didn’t see who it was, but I assumed it would be someone I knew, and even if it wasn’t we were the only ones out there, and just two people walking past each other like that, I thought it only polite to say hello. So I said “hello”, and this guy said “hi” and then I continued towards my house. I heard on his voice it was one of my neighbors, a previous classmate. Milliseconds after those two small words were exchanged, my brain was racing, did I do the right thing!? So the second my mom came home later this night, I told her very accurately what had happened (as if I was telling my best friend about how this guy came up to me, and we had to scrutinize everything he did to figure out if he was into me or not, seriously that’s the only time I think this much studying is okay to spend on a tiny situation!). I even said the words in the same tone of voice and everything.

I’m just picturing myself not being able to say this stuff to anyone, or hearing them say “Yes, that was okay, and now you don’t need to think about it anymore”. What would I do, if I just kept obsessing over all these situations and they added up more and more? I could find another way, and I think it’s healthy to find another way (do you have any suggestions?) because I can’t be that dependent on someone else!

On a sidenote: I’m not entirely helpless. There are plenty of things I do manage to do on my own. No need to worry just yet. 

Pictures, pretty pretty

I see the stacks of painkillers, all over
my desk, my drawer, my bed-side table
I tell you, and me, that it’s for
women issues
but I know, you don’t, that it’s for
ODing,
in my dreams

The used lightbulb still lies there too
because I pictured it inside
my mouth, broken

You have no right to judge me
But jugde me, go ahead and
judge me

I don’t breathe evenly, anymore
Hope disappears with every exhalation
You are someone, but I promise
you,
I am no one